4 days with the minis. Or well, day 1 and then exhaustion.

Day 1: This morning was a little early for Aunt Debs. At 4:40, Jess rolled in and said something about getting me up earlier so I could sleep more. Whatever, she was clearly drunk/nuts. I mumbled something about downstairs and somehow pulled myself out of bed and down to her bedroom, where both she and Dusty were holding vigil over Brylee. Possibly looking for her pacifier amongst the blankets and chubs. Who knows. Anyway, a half hour later, the Cejkas departed for their snow skiing escape, and my duties officially started. By 7am, Brylee was sleeping soundly in her crib with pacifier #2, and Brooklyn was completely wrapped around my head, smacking me in the eye every few minutes. 7:45 and Brylee announced she was done with sleeping and ready for some action. Then she gave me the saddest I have ever heard come out of that little ball of cuteness. My heart melted because she sounded like she was just crushed that she had to wake up. It was like putting into a sound the way you feel every morning when your alarm goes off and you have to go to work. Life sucks! So, I put them both on the floor, turned on Einstein, and headed to the kitchen to get bottles. it was then that all hell broke lose, and Brooklyn gave me her first "don't ever leave me again, ever!" scream as I left her eyesight. And then they both proceeded to crawl after me. Cutest/loudest thing ever. I picked up Brooklyn and took her with me to get the bottles, then laid them both back down on the boppy, handed them a bottle, and watched them happily eat away. So freakin' glad they hold their own bottles now. I had just enough time for a diaper change before January (Jessica's nanny/neighbor) rolled in to take over. I showered, tried unsuccessfully to get a wave good bye from the minis, and headed to work.

Now get this. Today was the day that my dumb ass (sorry for the cussing, but you will understand how this is the only way to describe me in a second) decided to start working out again. Since there is no tumor, I am assuming I can let my heart rate increase again, so i left work after stuffing a ridiculous number of student bags, and headed to the gym. 45 minutes later, and covered with sweat, I was pretty thrilled with myself. And pretty hungry. So, while dreaming of roasted broccoli (and trying to decide if I really thought Jess had broccoli at her house) I drove back to my hangout for the whole weekend, the Cejka house. Once there, January informed me everyone was sleeping. Score! Yea, score for about 20 minutes. And then both babies were very suddenly awake, and not too happy about it. Brooklyn was super clingy and almost went back to sleep at one point. Brylee, on the other hand, was perfectly happy "working" on Aunt Debs' blackberry. This was fine as long as it stayed out of her mouth. We watched some news, chased Simba, and had all sort of fun tickling and walking across the room. That's right, they are both walking. Then we had some green beans for dinner (because I refuse to feed them Veg-All, Jessica, until all other foods have been eaten. And lots of cheerios. And some puffs, although, somehow Aunt Debs was only let with about 10 puffs in the can. I almost walked out right then and there. Until I found a back up can of veggie sticks and decided it wasn't quite the end of the world. Oh, and in case you are wondering, I ate a lunchable for dinner. Yep, I totally understand how single moms lose weight. They dont have time to eat. After dinner we played with Nana, who rolled in to help and brought me a fish sandwich from McDonalds (because it is Friday, she tells me...didn't have the heart to tell her I am not Catholic), as well as 2 cupcakes. Eventually bedtime rolled around, and we put on our footie pajamas and warmed up bottles. Everything was going smooth until Jeremy decided to visit his nieces. And then Nana took a cell phone call with a half asleep Brooklyn in her arms. Brylee went to bed like a champ (to be fair, she has lots of experience being put to sleep by Aunt Debs), but Brooklyn's head popped up after the cell phone was answered, and it was down hill after that. She eventually went to bed around 9:30, and I got into bed soon after. It was a long week and an even longer evening...

Day 2. Eh, who am I kidding. Day 2-4: Too exhausted to blog. Too exhausted to eat. Too exhausted to do much other than make sure the minis don't kill themselves or each other. How do single mom's function? If you want to hear about the rest of my weekend with the cutest twins around, just ask me. I am too tired to type it up.

Henry the Tissue Blob?

Yesterday was my third (and hopefully final) TEE (I am not looking up what it stands for again, I am sure you all know my now, or know how to google it, right?). Jessica and I started the day at 5:45am and were sitting in awesome traffic on 45 by 6:15. Needless to say, I did not arrive by 6:30 as the nurse had requested. Instead it was close on 7 before I rolled in to admitting. Luckily I either missed the rush or there never was one, because I was admitted and registered pretty much right away, and then whisked upstairs (via the purple elevators in St. Luke's...everything is color coded there) to the third floor where I was met with a sign leading to Cardiovascular out patient services (and Nuclear procedures, which we were hoping I was not having). Filled out more paperwork (more people in this town know my height and weight and allergies than I ever intended), and was very quickly taken back to the room where the procedure would be done. Elizabeth was my nurse, and older black woman who told me she had worked in ICU for years and then had been asked to do this job instead, which she liked more because usually no one died. Right. Awesome. Anyway, she rocked it out on my IV and did it in one shot, which is more than I can say for other recent IVs I have had, although there is now a strange series of 3 marks on my arm, and I am fairly certain there was only one needle. Oh well, still better than the blowout last May.

Anyway, so after the IV, things get a little blurry. The doctor I was supposed to have was on spring break, so her boss was coming in to do he procedure. Yadda yadda yadda, best in the world, yadda yadda, won't hurt a bit, yadda yadda, whatever. Why the heck was the original doctor on spring break? And why the heck did no one really know if she was coming in or not. Just seemed a little sketch, but whatever. Elizabeth had somewhere to be at nine, so she will going to have this procedure done by then, come hll or high water. Fine by me, no use in wasting time before I can eat breakfast. Ever since my appetite returned, breakfast has been a key meal in my happiness factor for the day. Anyway, so in rolls one of the other doctors. Maximum possible age: 17. And a second doctor peeks his head in to say hi to my first teenage doctor. He was most likely 12, and went to school with my doctor's younger brother. When the hell did I get old? And when the hell did I get to be old enough to have doctors with specialties who are younger than certain pairs of shoes I own??

Anyway, eventually they ran through the entire procedure and raved and raved about how bad the hurricane spray was going to be. The spray is not nearly as bad as the feeling of choking on something the side of a thumb, but whatever. Then the 17 year old sprayed me until I was numb and/or there was burning in my throat to make me numb. And then we waited. And waited, and waited. Dr. Steinbech was apparently going to take his time. Now, apparently I met this guy, and I thought he was old, but Jessica tells me he also was younger than either of us. Possibly I was pretty out of it by this time. I remember flipping over on my side and the tech wrapping the mouth guard around my neck and checking my BP. And then...well...

The next thing I remember is being wide eyed, looking at the screen, and the doctor looking at me and saying, (very calmly I might add) "Uh, she is wide awake. Go ahead and push some more drugs" And then I remember nothing until I tried to swallow and instead choked on the tube, and then I guess they decided they were done, and up came the whole thing. My throat was raw as all get up, but I was fairly certain they were done. Apparently Jessica and Jenny rolled back in about that time. I have no recollection of them being in there together, but then again, I don't recall much. Jess tells me they doctor gave me a full explanation and I fell asleep half way through it. I remember vaguely the screen shots he showed me. I then remember them sending Jess to get the car after the nurse hung my clothes on the back of the door (they were in my purse until that point) and we were both a little confused as to why she didn't just hand them to me. There was a wheelchair ride to the front of the hospital, but I do not remember the elevator ride downstairs (and where the heck was Jack while this was all going on?). Then Jess got lost and took her sweet time picking us up. Then we all got lost trying to find food.

Ended up at Katz's, a well known Jewish deli (see, you knew I had the jewish in me, right?) so we could eat. Jack sat in the back of the car on the way there and asked me if I was feeling ok. I think he might have been a little confused as to what was going on, but he was so sweet about it. Once at breakfast, I have a vague memory of eating an omelette and some potatoes and some of Jack chocolate chip pancakes. Then we chased down the Mmm Cupcake truck (more on this amazingness later) to buy us some cupcake desserts. And then. Well, then I remember nothing. I have a half memory of falling asleep in the car on the way home and trying to keep myself awake. And I got inside the house and sat on the couch. I woke up sitting up a little bit later and must have gotten into bed, because the next thing I remember is waking up at 5 and wondering where the hell I was. Oh, and I was so confused as to why I had 10 text messages, until I realized I had texted people earlier in the day (no idea how this happened). I then proceeded (according to my phone) to call several people and have legitimate conversations with them. No recollection, sorry Caitlin, Colleen, Travis and Mom, maybe we can try again now? Passed out again around 11 after watching TV that I now probably have to rewatch, and felt much better this morning.

Anyway, I am so glad this all seems to be coming to an end. The doctor told Jess (well, and me, but I don't remember) that he has done thousands of these tests (find this hard to believe as he is clearly 17 years old and can't have been a doctor for long enough for THOUSANDS of tests) and never seen anything like what he saw in my heart. Basically there are long stringy things, we think called chordae tendineae, that are normal. What is not normal in the the tissue in the middle of all of them that seems to be hanging out in the middle of my heart. But, while not normal, also not dangerous or something this (17 year old) doctor was worried about. I guess the final say comes from Dr. Fish, but I am not concerned, and just happy there isn't something foreign in my heart, hanging out trying to mess with me. I guess "Henry the tissue blob" will have to do for now.

I know I say it a lot, but I am really thankful to have had the friends I have with me through all of this. Jess and Jenny took great care of me yesterday, even though Jessica basically passes out at the sight of a needle, I told her it wasn't her day and the listened! They were a greta distraction from the reality of what I was doing, which is probably the biggest help possible. My favorite is when Jenny sends me pictures of homework she is grading that is so ridiculous it is funny! And of course, all of the loving texts, voicemails, facebook posts and emails, those mean so much to me. I am a lucky lucky girl, and not just because I don't actually have a heart tumor. Pretty sure I have the best friends and family in the world. I'd put money on it!

Brooklyn and Brylee Turn One

One year ago today I woke up to 5 missed calls and 7 texts, all asking me if I was with Jessica. I had no idea what had happened, all I knew was that I had hung out with her the afternoon before in the hospital while she was on bed rest. We had weeks to go before she was giving birth, and we had made plans for sleepovers at the hospital and set-ups for me with all the single doctors in the ward. Of course, my first thought was that something bad had happened. Then I got the top text, from Jess, that just said "babies are coming tonight." Holy moly. So, I fought the urge to call her, because, you know, she was a little busy, and instead, did what any normal person in 2011 would do: I checked Facebook. "Babies are coming tonight! Will update when they get here." Followed closely by "The Cejka twins arrived at 1am. 3lb8oz and 3lb5oz. Babies are in nicu. Mom is extremely sore, tired and hungry. Names will be announced later today. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers for the girls!" Somehow, between going to bed and waking up, two little girls had pushed their way into this world. And let me tell you, those girls stole my heart from day 1.

I went to work and pretended to do something until Jessica actually told me I could come up to the hospital. I think I ran three red lights on the way there. I found Jessica in her room, super out of it and fighting with the pain medicine button: she would push the button, the machine would beep at her telling her she couldn't have more meds yet, and she would shoot the machine a go to hell look. They brought Jess some food and promptly took it away when they realized she couldn't have solids yet. I thought she was going to go after the nurse who took the food away (and punch her), but she couldn't quite stand up. Dusty took me down to meet the girls, and we took some pictures of the little ones on their first day in this world. It was such a cool day to be able to meet these little girls, and to wonder what their lives had in store for them.

Over the last year, I have fallen in love with these girls over and over again. It just seems like they have always been there, and they make everything better. We visited them in the hospital quite a bit when they were first born. We held them tight and told them we loved them the day we lost Suzy. They came home on my 30th birthday and I sat in the corner of Jessica's bedroom holding a little one and watching my friends try to figure out how they were going to do this without the help of the nurses at the hospital. We rooted them on as they learned how to rollover, sit up, crawl, and even stand. We sat in an 8x8 square space we dubbed "the gated community" and played with them for hours. I fed them little tastes of things behind their mother's back (Brylee LOVED cream cheese at 4 months). We took them swimming and out to all sorts of crazy events (picture Jessica and I with a double stroller at the Epicurean night). Jess dressed them matching every single day and I made fun of her every single day. We walked them around the fountain 100s of times. We ALL spent hours and hours walking around both little girls trying to get them to sleep. We sang nursery rhymes (ok, I sang, Jessica only does the ABCs). I held them both on my lap (a feat in itself these days) and read the Smurf book. Over and over again. We searched for green pacifiers for Brylee and little white flower pacifiers for Brooklyn. We made it though the MAJOR spitting up phase (Brylee) and whiny phase (Brooklyn), and are now in the temper tantrum phase (Brylee) and the biting phase (uh, both apparently). I have been trying to teach them to wave and blow kisses for six months, and have been less than successful at both. Brylee loves to play with my Blackberry. Brooklyn loves to play with, well, anything that Brylee is playing with. Brooklyn is almost walking. Brylee is in the 99th percentile for (get this) her head size, so she is a little too top heavy to be walking yet. I think Brylee is pretty much the mini version of Maxine (the old woman in the cartoon strips). She grunts and growls and is generally a pissed off old woman. This pretty much sums it up:


Yea, I love them, can you tell? Where the heck did that last year go?

Most of all, though, I have just spent countless evenings sitting with these little ones and watching them giggle and play. They are so cute! The last month has been a little stressful, and these 2 have kept me grounded, kept me sane, and most of all, kept me smiling. Tonight I arrived, and both of them looked up from their toys and broke into grins. When I sat down, Brooklyn took six whole steps towards me before diving at me. Brylee came and sat on my lap and just babbled at me. I have a lot of friends with kids, but I have never been close enough geographically to watch them grow up like this, and to form this kind of relationship. As I tell them nightly, I will always take care of them, be there for them, and teach them all the things their parents don't want them to learn. That's what Aunt Debs is for, right?

So, today I am celebrating these two little angels and the awesome lives they have in front of them. They are so sweet, and they are going to break a lot of hearts when they grow up. I can't wait to see it all go down!

Fun Weekend!

This weekend reminded me how awesome my friends are. And also, in a weird way, how many awesome friends I have from so many facets of my life. It was just one of those weekends, the weather was gorgeous, I didn't have a ton of plans, but everything fell into place perfectly.

Friday night Sara and I decided we were both too young to sit on our couches on a Friday night (we have these moments often, and they usually lead to some fun outings). We started at Boon's, our favorite Friday night beer establishment (it is so Raleighs from college, only with astronauts). I have to admit, we have spent a few evenings there recently when we almost gave up because the parking was such a scene, but this time we both found spots and ended up in "our" table in the big fireplace. We solved the world's problems in a couple of hours, and then decided it was high time for some dessert. We started at BJs, but with a half hour wait, we soon moved on to House of Pies. My first time, but Sara is a veteran. One slice of strawberry rhubarb pie a la mode, and I was pretty much good to go forever. It was an awesome night or good conversation, lots of laughter, and a few life problems solved. And it was topped off by an awesome phone call from Colleen to tell me she was getting married! Woohoo!

Saturday morning I got up and drove up to IAH to pick up Raven, who had an 8 hour stopover in Houston before flying to Ecuador. Some people have such problems! Anyway, I haven't seen Raven since a long night in a pool hall in December 2004. Thats 7 years ago, and so much has changed...but then, not that much has really changed at all. We spent several hours playing catch up and just laughing over how it was, how it is, and how it will always be. Raven and I were so close in college, I mean, we basically lived together my sophomore year, in an apartment the size of a shoebox. And even though we haven't been too in touch over the last few years, we still fell right back into old times, like we had seen each other last week. We laughed and told stories, and talked about the good, the bad, and the ugly until he had to get back to make his flight (which, Raven, I hope you made, because you know I am much more of an early arriver than you are).

After that I made the 3 hour drive to the lake house, with the company of Veronica. We again solved the problems of the world (yea, you are welcome world).

Once at the lake house, we did some justice to some fajitas and then a 10lb cake that Kathy had brought, and sort of just vegged on the couch for the rest of the night. Brooklyn passed out at 7, Brylee by 9, and Jess and I were both in bed by 10. Apparently we are super fun on Saturday nights!

This morning was awesome! We spent the morning on the back deck, overlooking the lake (well, in theory, although the lake is super low currently, so you can't see much), drinking Diet Coke (ok, yes, coffee would have also worked, but DC just sounded good), PJ pants rolled up, and sun shining on my very white legs. I can say with some assurance that this year, I am getting my tan back. Last year was a little rough, but this year, it is on! And this morning, it started. We watched the babies roll themselves back and forth along the deck, and then held them on the railing and let them watch the deer. They were fascinated! Brylee especially loved just watching the deer. That little girl has literally just stolen my heart. I mean, they both have, but Brylee has such facial expressions, and you can just watch her concentrate so hard on something, and take it all in. I can't wait to watch her grow up and see what she and her little sister come up with to cause trouble and grow their parents' gray hair!

We eventually did get showered and dressed and loaded up into the truck. I started in the front seat with Jess, and the babies were asleep in the back seat. Strangely, this is just how the Ike evacuation started...we really havent come all that far, have we? Anyway, this didnt last long before Brooklyn announced that she was awake with some crying. And there went Aunt Debs, face first, into the back seat. Luckily Jessica is a pretty good driver, and did not swerve off the road while I climbed over the seat to hang out with the babies. There was some whining, and Brooklyn and I had words over her throwing of the toys, but eventually we pulled out the ipad and set the animal flashcards up, and then threw a bottle (uh, or 3) into the mix, and things were good. That is, until the other mini woke up from her marathon 2 hour nap, and clearly was confused as to why her bottle was mostly water (after her sister ate her formula filled bottle), and why Aunt Debs wasn't giving her the ipad. Now, when Brylee gets mad, she totally grumbles. Loudly. Like low growly voice, and some yelling. It is hilarious, and cute as heck, but you know when we laugh at her, she just gets more upset. So, anyway, this started the meltdown. I was passing out puffs at an alarming rate, but only Brooklyn was interested. We tried some Chicken Noodle (pureed, and one of the grossest smells in the world), but the minis were not having it. This was about the time Jessica says "hmm, do you smell something?" Aunt Debs went in for the check-in, but found nothing other than 2 screaming babies who were not happy about being sniffed and asked "did you poop?" Yea, I am classy like that. Anyway, eventually, after a lot of screaming and toy throwing, we stopped for a diaper change and a quick walk around a parking lot. And then back we piled in to continue...it was a long 3 hours, but we all made it home in one piece, and even all fell asleep as we pulled off the freeway (the babies, not me and Jess).

I spent the weekend with friends from so many different parts of my life. I love that I have friends from college, or high school, or even earlier that show up in my life and it is like nothing has changed. Raven and I laughed about people and times I haven't thought about in years. It really made me smile. And it really made me realize how much you forget about life as things go on. There were entire situations in college I had forgotten about completely. And I love that my friends from high school, who I have talked about and planned our wedding for years, call me right after their families to tell me they are getting married! And then my friends in Houston, the ones that sit next to me when I am crying, or make me laugh when I am having a bad day, or celebrate my successes as they happen, they are awesome! I couldn't have asked for better people to share my life with, past or present.

All in all, it was an awesome weekend. I love this weather, the blue skies and cool air reminds me so much of Newbury Park and all it perfect weather (wish it wasn't so damn expensive to live in Cali these day, and that there was a NASA center closer to NP). It just puts me in a good mood. The windows are open in my house, the cats are sleeping on the deck, and I am happy. And damn it, that hasn't been the case for an entire weekend in a few weeks, so I'll take it. Back to work tomorrow, and this will begin some serious chaos because CAS is officially less than 3 weeks away, and I have pretty much no clue what the heck is going on, so it should be an interesting setup. Exciting eh? Yea, good thing I am comfy flying by the seat of my pants, because I tend to do it often.

Just as a warning, I have somehow signed up to babysit the minis for 4 nights (and the weekend in the middle of these nights) in 2 weeks. Anyone want to come hang out with this sucker? Woohoo!!

I have a big heart

Holy freaking crap. What I am about to type sort of blows my mind. I am not convinced I have totally let this sink in. In fact, I know I haven't. But, it is what it is. So, I don't have a heart tumor.

Yea.

Exactly.

The doctor called me on Monday. I went totally numb as soon as I answered the phone, mostly out of practice from doing this so often. Then he tells me he has looked at the MRI report and that the mass is in fact a "prominence of a normal structure" (in normal words, a piece of my heart that is just larger than normal). What he was/is concerned with is the "discrepancy of the assessment of size" (see, Mom, I can take notes when I am told to do so). So, basically, either my first cardiologist was an idiot and measuring it incorrectly, or something in my heart got bigger and smaller very quickly. I sat on this for a day before I told most people. I wasn't sure what to take from this, or how to tell all of my friends who have supported and loved me through the last nine months (and especially the last month). The doctor seemed unsure about the original TEEs and wanted to relook at them before deciding about further testing. I was hoping he would call me on Tuesday, but he didn't, and I felt like I had to start telling people. Of course, people were ecstatic, but to be honest, i am still numb. I am not sure if it hasn't hit me, but I just have no emotion about it. Or perhaps I have very mixed emotions. I am obviously happy they don't have to open my chest up and go into my heart. I am happy I don't have to recover in pain for 8-10 weeks (although that time off work was rather enticing). I am, however, bummed that this all happened at the time it did, ruining the opportunity to be in Albuquerque for six months and try out a new adventure. And most of all, I am angry that a doctor made a call that was most likely not correct, and then a second call which was even less correct, and sent me into an emotional tail spin that lasted a month and was filled with frustrated tears and night sweats, not eating or sleeping regularly, and the fear of a very serious surgery and the recovery of it.

So, did you catch the "most likely not correct" in the previous paragraph? The doctor called again today. I love Dr. Fish because he is always so calm and speaks so clearly (except for his phone number, which he reads off at light speed every time). He told me that he had reviewed closely the two previous TEEs and his conclusions were that they had not been done completely. As in, there were images that he would need that he didnt have. Then he tells me is about 80% sure I dont have a tumor. 80% Dr Fish? Yesterday there was no percentage...so why is there one today? And isn't the MRI the better image? Well, he tells me there are angles you can only get from the stomach looking up into the right atrium. So he wants the "experts" at St. Luke's to run a third TEE and get all the images he needs to be sure, before he decides if surgery is necessary. I also though surgery was off the table, Dr. Fish? Yea, most likely, but not guaranteed. I like Dr. Fish, but he in my most favorite of doctors today.

It was a nice 2 days of not being stressed. Within 10 minutes of taking this phone call, my head was hurting and the pain between my shoulder blades was back. That is clearly where I carry stress. So, now we wait, until March 14, for the next TEE. Anyone want to come with me? I am super fun when they drug me up, I say all sort of great things, tell my darkest secrets, and you can ask me anything. Just ask Becky, she was telling me a story I had told her the other day, after the last TEE, and I have zero recollection of ever telling her anything.

And, since this is my blog and I can bitch and moan about whatever i want, let me just say, TEEs suck, and after the first one I swore I would never do it again, and now I am on #3 and it SUCKS! I am so over the IVs, the sore throats from the cameras, and the 6am hospital check-ins. There better be a super hot tech working up at St. Luke's (ok, so now who wants to go???)!

Oh, and just so you all can laugh a bit, you should have seen me almost eat it on the way out of the big AD All Hands meeting this afternoon when the doctor called. I threw off the sandals I was wearing (because I knew i couldn't run in the them) and leapt over about 10 coworkers to get out of the auditorium. And, of course, as I am always super graceful, I almost face planted into one of these said coworkers after catching my foot on my pants. I knew those pants were too big! It was quite the scene.

Check out the pics from the MRI. I have no idea what you are looking at, but they are cool anyway!

Silence

“Saying nothing...sometimes says the most.”
-Emily Dickinson


Tonight, as I sat in the darkness of Jessica's bedroom, rocking little Brylee to sleep after her last bottle, I started to think about how quiet it was. Jess was across the room, sitting on her bed, trying to get Brooklyn to sleep, and Brooklyn was fighting it. Brylee fights it less, she tries, but eventually there is a just a big sigh and she gives in and passes out. Anyway, as we both tried to get these little ones to fall asleep, we talked a little bit, in very hushed voices. But mostly, we just sat there, in the quiet, watching the TV on volume level 1. And it totally made me giggle. See, Jessica and I have spent a lot of time in silence. As I sat there and thought about all the times we have spent in required silence, I almost laughed out loud (which would have been bad, because by then, Brylee was dead weight in my arms) .

So, it all started back when we evacuated for Hurricane Ike (which, by the way, is probably the funniest blog entry I have ever written). We spent three hours in literal silence with 3 cats sleeping peacefully. Every time we would talk, even quietly, one of the cats would make a noise as if to say "uh, shut up, I'm sleeping." Damn cats. By the time we made it to the lake house, I had sat in the back seat of her truck, knees in my chin, next to two furrballs, and not said a word. We made it in time to watch the morning news. Which we watched in silence (mostly because we were both half asleep).

Then there were the many, many, many meetings at work in which we sat across from each other, in the small office, with Katherine between us, and we just talked with our eyes. All three of us. We always knew when the others were pissed (and man were we pissed a lot), and it took no talking to know that someone in the room was mentally updating their resume or thinking of all the places they would rather be. We used to joke that we would keep our keys in our pockets when we went into meeting we thought would piss us off, so that if we wanted to leave suddenly, we didn't have to dig for our purses and keys, they were already on us. Those meetings haven't stopped, although the players have definitely changed. But those initial days, in that little office, in silence, we all talked using our eyes. Our bosses have all told us we don't hide our emotions well. Do you think they know we aren't even slightly trying to hide our emotions?

More recently, we have spent many a drive home from a restaurant or other public place with either 2 screaming babies or 2 sleeping babies. Either way, we drive in silence. Because, if these babies are screaming, we can't hear each other anyway, and if they are sleeping, neither of us wants to be the one to wake them up. Trust me, if 2 twin babies somehow both fall asleep at the same time, you NEVER want to be the one to wake them up.

Now, don't get me wrong. Usually, when Jess and I hang out, we talk like it is going out of style. We talk about work, about life, about whatever we did that day, or about whoever is bugging us, annoying us, or interesting to us. We make plans for ridiculous trips, we bitch about situations that aggravate us, or we predict which baby will be the cheerleader, and which one will get caught underage drinking (I predict Brooklyn for the former, Brylee for the latter, in case anyone is wondering). Like any women, we talk and talk and talk. But sometimes, we don't need to talk. We just know.

Two Fridays ago, Jessica sat in silence next to me while I took the call from the doctor to tell me my tumor had grown. She didn't say anything. I don't think she knew what to say. I certainly didn't know what to say. She sat in silence while I called the next doctor to make my appointment. And when she went with me to the appointment, she sat in silence in the doctor's office, taking notes as instructed (well, until they kicked her out, but that's another story).

Silence is something that can be super powerful. It can be overwhelming or completely necessary. It can be empowering or depressing. Recently I haven't wanted to be alone. I have needed people around me, or people to talk to, or something to do. But it's funny, I can still sit in total silence with my friends. Just knowing they are there, even if it is across the room, is incredibly helpful. I think Emily Dickinson was right, saying nothing sometimes does say the most. It's just being there, without saying a damn thing, that makes it all better. Plus, that silence does make for some damn good stories!

So live like you're never living twice...

It's been a long 2 weeks. I have worked through a lot of emotions, expectations, and confusion recently. The last 12 days have been the craziest roller coaster ride of my entire life, and I am hyper aware that this roller coaster is far from over (those of you who know me well probably also know how much I HATE roller coasters, both figuratively and literally). I have spent a lot of time with my Houston friends (thank you all for keeping me busy) and on the phone with my non-local friends. I have gotten some major things done at work (including selecting 92 students into my program, which always makes me feel accomplished and reminds me why I love my job). And I have organized my life as much as possible, so I don't have a lot of crap to take care of if and when I have to have surgery.

I find that I can be fine one minute, and in tears the next. This happens mostly in 2 scenarios: I am either in the car driving, and something strikes me wrong and my eyes well up, or I am on my couch and my mind begins to wander. The other time I lose it is when I am tired and I look at myself in the mirror. Like really look. Right into my eyes. That is when I have to talk to myself, and tell myself to keep it together. Usually I can hold it together, but if I am alone, in my house, I don't have a shot in hell. (And yes, I talk to myself. What...you don't?)

I have been up until 1am most nights, watching TV or writing. Why 1am? Because that is about the time I am too exhausted to function, and can finally get into bed and just pass out, without thinking too much. I am up at 8 every morning, and starting to wonder how I am functioning on 7 hours of sleep every night, after needing 9-10 hours for most of the last year. I guess the balance of thyroid meds, no sleep apnea, and vitamin D has finally made me feel better, and I am back to not needing a ridiculous amount of sleep to even half function. I have been going pretty much non stop every day to get things done. Literally, I have done more this week than most of last year. I had a leak fixed in my front yard last Thursday. While the plumber was there, I trimmed my lemon tree, went through the junk basket on my kitchen counter, and cleaned the dining room up. I locked myself in to a good electricity rate for the next year. I switched out my Comcast service to make it cheaper. I changed the air conditioning filters (ok, fine, 1 of them, I still have to buy the other one). I finally got all the recycling out of my garage. I have gone through most of my closet and throw away all the clothes that are officially too big for me. I have cleaned out my car (yea, and now it is messy again, but it was clean for about a day). Anyway, you people don't need a list of things, but the idea is, I am keeping myself busy and getting my life organized. However, there is only so many things I can do to distract myself. I guess shopping is the next thing to turn to...this could get expensive.

In the midst of this week though, during all the crap and all the overwhelming stress, there have been some incredibly bright moments. I got some great CD mixes from Sara and Cara (oh look, you rhyme!). I have gotten more emails from people all over the place wishing me the best. I spent an awesome Sunday night at the beach house with Jess, Becky and Dawn, where we laughed more than I have laughed in months (and there is a blog in the works about this hilarious night). The minis are about to be walking, and I have been having so much fun cheering with them when they take a step. They are so proud of themselves when we cheer, and they just grin. Those smiles are priceless. I have been making small plans for thing in the next few weeks, because as we move forward, I feel like I need something to look forward in the near future, and plus, I know this surgery is at least 2 weeks away, so I have a little bit of planning time. We are working on a group for the rodeo one night, and maybe a trip to Austin for SXSW. Ok, so this might not be a small trip, but I have a bunch of friends who will be there this year, so I am thinking it might be time for the road trip. It's hard keeping some semblance of normality right now, but these things help me so much. Also, what helps is when people bring me cupcakes and clean my house. Just in case you are wondering. BUT, if you are coming to clean, you can't judge me on how dirty it is right now. Yea, mom, don't judge, I am just building it up so you can feel extra productive when you arrive and clean. You are welcome.

Lastly (is that really a word?), as I was driving home on Tuesday night, after dropping off Jessica and picking up McDonald's (sans gallbladder, this will always be a bad choice) because I was too exhausted to cook, I heard a song come on to the radio. I have heard this song thousands of times and can sing most of the lyrics, but have never stopped to think about them. And this song hit me hard and fast. And so, as I drove home, bawling my eyes out, mostly from frustration and pure exhaustion, I thought about life, and living it, and not looking back, and just enjoying it. Someone said to me today "life is too short to hate your job, you just have to find what makes you happy." She is right, but not just about work. Life is too short to be unhappy, or to have regrets, or to skip opportunities. You have to take the challenges, learn and grow from them, and keep pushing forward. And so, here you go, the lyrics to the song.

If Today Was Your Last Day (Nickelback)

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?