I feel 32

This blog post is in honor of my friend Dawn, who is not on Facebook and only gets her updates on my life through my blog. Love ya, Dawn!

 

Last week I turned 32. And as I reflected on the last year of my life (because, you know, I am SUCH a reflective person), I found my thoughts wandering to things that haven’t just happened in the last year, and people that haven’t just been in my life the last year, but to the last five, ten, or even twenty years. And I came to this realization (about half way home on my commute from work) that I have learned a lot about myself and about life in 32 years. And most of what I have learned has come from my own experiences, and my talks with people. So, here is what 32 years has taught me:

Patience. Be patient with those around you, and with life in general. Things will happen when they are supposed to, people will pull their lives together in their own time, and everything will work out with enough patience. Now, while I have learned patience for the last 32 years, it doesn’t mean I always practice it. I try, I really do, but sometimes my stubborn crazy side gets the best of me.

People. I have always thought I have a pretty good read on people. I can tell when someone likes me, doesn’t like me, is distracted, irritated, lazy, or any combo of the above. My first instinct is usually right about people (yes, Travis, there was one exception long ago, on a bench), and I can usually tell when things have changed as well. For a long time I took a lot of this very personal. Now I have realized that I have some pretty amazing friends in my life, and if someone doesn’t want to be there with us, I’m ok with that. There are friends I see every day, every week, only every few months, or even some I see only once every few years. I’m ok with that, but only if you are. It’s taken me most of 32 years to come to grips with the fact that some people are in your life for a long time, and others just a short time. It’s the way the world works. Something else I have learned, and that I think is so important, is that just because you have known someone a long time does not mean you need to be close. And just because you just met someone does not mean you can’t be close. I recently had a talk with a friend about the “history” of a friendship and how important that is. It is important, but so is the current give and take of the friendship. I like to surround myself with positive people who aren’t always down on themselves or their lives.  I spent this past weekend in Atlanta with two of my oldest friends. I’ve known these girls since elementary school. We have literally grown up together. It is so much fun to spend time talking about the past and all the fun we had. But we also relish in talking about the future, and where we want to go, what we want to do. We say by the river this weekend and talked about the next few years for the 3 of us. One of us is pregnant (please note, it is not me). That’s fun. I love watching my friends’ families grow, and how happy it makes them. We talked about moving, either to a new state or just a new home. We talked about expanding our travels together internationally. We talked about going to school. We talked about everything. I like times like this. And I like sharing those times with good people.

 

Travel. A lot. Especially when you are young and poor. I traveled all through my teenage years and well into my twenties. I stayed in hostels in Australia, motels in Alaska, camped in Colorado and Maine, and slept on a train a few times. And I saw some amazing places in this world. Now that I am in my thirties, vague memories of sharing a room with 8 other strangers sleeping on bunkbeds seems less than thrilling. I’ll still camp, but there’s something about a hot shower and a real pillow that I just can’t get away from. I still love to travel, but now traveling has suddenly gotten a lot fancier, and therefore a lot more expensive. Before, when I couldn’t afford to be a fancy traveler, I did it on a shoestring budget, and made it work. And I did it ALL THE TIME. Now I have slowed down, I have other responsibilities, and I have other things my still limited budget has to pay for. I still love to get away, but I find myself now trying to find a place to visit where I can lay by the pool, instead of hiking up pyramids or onto glaciers. Dammit, I got old.

Get your tonsils out before the age of ten.

There is always room for dessert. However, if you eat it everyday and you have my metabolism, you should probably also add 20 minutes more to your workout.

I am not a tea drinker. At least not in the British or Texas sense of it. I will drink it, but I much prefer herbal tea to milky tea. And if it’s iced, I don’t understand it at all.

You don’t have to stop and enjoy the small things all the time. But you should stop and take in the scene every once in a while. The little minis have taught me this one. They love the littlest silliest things. They loves walking around following the ducks and quacking at them. They like to sit and hold their teddy bears wrapped in a blanket and rock them to sleep. They will sit for hours and listen to nursery rhymes, and even sing a little E-I-E-I-O if you ask nicely. They say everyone’s name except for mine, and if I ask them to say Aunt Debs, they smile and give me an evil giggle. Fairly sure they can say it, but they know it’s a game by now. Jessica taught them to call me Debby, but mostly they call me Bebby. I love it! I love all the littles ones in my life, and I love that they are reminder for the simple things in life.

Don’t procrastinate or things will build up and not get done on time. Like this blog, which I started last week.

I’m 32 now, so that way I see it, I’m about half way to retirement, and I really should now stop pulling the gray hairs out of my hair line. My hairdresser was right, they do grow back, and now I have a little patch of short gray hairs. Dammit.  

Oh, and also, this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSnDJ7exSO0 

Walking with an Angel

The tears started yesterday afternoon when the pictures started. Facebook can be great when you want information, but it also removes the ability to not have things thrown into your face when you might want to avoid them. Today Suzy would have been 32 years old. This weekend she would have had a swimming party, with margaritas and hamburgers. We would have laughed and laughed and had a grand old time. All the kids would have played together. There would have been general chaos, but she would have loved it. I’ll be celebrating Suzy all day long, and thinking about the fun times we all shared.

It’s been 18 months since she died. My life is completely different than it was when she was still here. It’s no secret the year after she died was the most trying time in my life. I can say now though that my life is better than it has ever been. I was always happy, but I am now happy to the point where I sometimes find myself thinking about how happy I really am. And I talk to her about it, because I know she is watching it all go down, and helping us all along. Losing a friend like that was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through up to that point in my life. What followed may have not been harder, but it was as much of a challenge as her death was. What helped me, though, was the reminder to take advantage of life and live it for all it is worth. Suzy’s life was cut way too short, and I would take her back in a heartbeat. However, since we will never be that lucky, it is only right to let her live on as a reminder of how valuable life is, and how much we all have to live for. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love and care about me. I re-found a note from Suzy when I cleaned out my NASA desk in August. It made me tear up and smile at the same time. She was so carefree, and she LOVED life so much. Sometimes I fall into bed at night after a full day, completely exhausted. And I think how nice it would be to have a day to do nothing. And very quickly I realize that in reality, that is the last thing I want. I can’t waste days anymore. My brain doesn’t let me. Sometimes it's just the little things. If I have an hour, I visit my minis (because I love them so freakin’ much). If I have time at work, I am constantly planning something new (mostly trips). I like to be busy, not just to be entertained, but to feel like I am not wasting time, wasting life. It is too important. When I have down time, I sign up for new and ridiculous hobbies or challenges (curling anyone?). And then sometimes I wonder how I get myself into certain situations…

This weekend Jessica and I are walking to Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in New York City. We have been fundraising since early April and training (sort of ) since the summer. We each raised $1800 and walked countless miles. I am lucky to be able to do something like this, on so many levels. I am lucky to have the support of my friends and community who donated to this amazing cause. I am lucky to be physically able to walk 40 miles in two days (well, hopefully). I am lucky to have a job that allows me the time to take on these kinds of adventures. I am lucky to have a best friend who will walk next to me, and keep me on track, even if it is 60 degrees and raining. And I bet we don’t run out of things to talk about the entire way! But mostly, I am incredibly lucky to be healthy enough to participate in this kind of event. We both are well aware that this experience will be a lot of fun, but also an incredible emotional two days. We will be walking with people who have survived this terrible disease. We will also be walking with people who have lost or are losing loved ones to this horrific illness. Even during my training I was well aware that the pain and exhaustion I felt from an 8 or 10 mile walk was nothing compared to the pain of this illness. It will be quite a weekend, and another reminder of how important and valuable our lives are. I know Suzy will be with us every step of the way, keeping us safe and laughing with us (and probably thinking we are nuts for taking this challenge on). I just wish she was here to walk with us.

New job, summer wrap up...

I have a new job. And I love it. It is all the great parts of my last job without all the bullshit. I get to hang out with students all day, give them advice (you know I'm all about advice) and at 5pm, when I go home, I leave the work behind. I missed my old job for about two tenths of a second, and then I remembered all the crappy managing and micromanagement and hoops we jumped through every day. And while I had about 4 really great coworkers, I still see them on a semi-regular basis, so I dont feel like I'm missing anything...except a lot of stress. Life is good. Oh, and I have my own office, with a window, a door (that locks) and my own private space. It is AMAZING. Here is my view:

I sort of skimped on the end of my summer in the blog. It was quite a whirlwind...Jess and I spent 4 fast paced days in England with my family. Jessica maintains she has never heard so much british cursing and seen so much serious drinking in such a short amount of time. I maintain she was clearly warned. I dont think she will ever be the same. She does say she understands me better now. And every once in a while, she (and now Billy too) like to call me Matmo. I have created a monster.

After England, we went on a short 4 day cruise. With the minis. Yep, that's right, 7 adults and 2 blonde twins, and the twins won. They were big fans of not napping and running the halls to watch the elevators go up and down. They tried the pool, but really, like like their Aunt Debs, liked the free soft serve ice cream next to the pool more than the swimming itself. They did not enjoy the long drawn out dinners, but instead enjoyed the buffet every night while Aunt Debs ordered 3 desserts in their absence. We dragged them around in their red wagon and they were the hit of the ship. Well, except for Jessica and me, who hit it big in the casino and paid for our cruises and then some. The first time ever that a pit boss has bought drinks for us while on a cruise ship. We were that impressive. I got some sun and a lot of rest, and enjoyed my last 3 days of vacation before I was actually on unemploymentcation.

September was spent sleeping in, applying for jobs, and lunching. That's right, I was a socialite for a month. It was pretty nice, especially once I got the new job and knew I would have a paycheck coming in on a regular basis. Billy closed on his house and we moved him in. Good thing he is never moving again, because that boy sure does have a lot of crap. And opinions about where his crap belongs. He and his crap will live in that house for the next 60 years. It will be easier than moving him again. Billy and Saundra and Paul also took me to my first Astros game, which was about what I expected...not quite a Dodger gamer ;) We left early for the Chocolate Bar, as you do...

I spent a weekend in Los Angeles for Colleen's Bachelorette weekend. We had a fun time getting pampered and then out on the town at Universal City Walk (which will forever remind me of high school) at Howl at the Moon. It was a whirlwind trip, but definitely worth it. Can't wait for the wedding in a few weeks...!

I'm excited for the fall...this weekend is the much anticipated walk in NYC. It is supposed to be 62 and raining. I imagine this walk might not go quite as we planned. Anyone want an over under on how long it takes me to get sick after 26 miles in cold rain? Or how many miles Jess completed before finding a bar where she can watch the A&M game? After NYC, I am home for a couple of weeks, and then off to Cali for Colleen's wedding, Chicago to visit Cindy and Sofia, and then New Orleans to visit the Farrs/Dobsons. And then it's Christmas! My favorite time of the year, and full of all sorts of fun. Come visit me, the nice time in Houston should fall sometime in the next 10 days in Houston. Then it will be gross and cold until mid March, when you will have another window of about 4 days to visit. Plan it now folks!

Summertime!

Well, it's summertime. And with summertime comes all sort of craziness and fun. Let's see, where to begin... As usual, I have been on a crazy summer travel schedule. In May I spent a weekend in Chicago with some of my oldest and greatest friends. We ate, and ate, and ate some more. We had deep dish pizza (um, twice), bread and cheese, and lots of good drinks. We solved the worlds' problems and talked all about the important things in life (boys, life, and work, in that order). It was a good time, as always, and next time, I am sure we will pick right back up where we left off. That's what happens when you have known people for 20+ years.

After Chicago we headed up to the lake house for a weekend of sun and babies. The minis were in rare form, keeping us all busy and giggling. Those little girls just get cuter ever day, and I love watching them grow up and develop personalities. Brylee learned to wave (finally!) on this trip, and we worked on getting them to go to bed earlier than midnight (still working on that while at the lake apparently). I got one hell of a sunburn on this trip, and peeled for weeks and weeks afterwards.

In June I spent a crazy 2 days in San Angelo and Odessa, Texas. Basically, El Paso, but small town. This was a work trip, and while the scenery and area was less than exciting, the kids and the work I was doing made it totally worthwhile. I was working with 12 kids from these small towns, who thought NASA was the most amazing thing they had ever learned about. It's trip like these that remind why putting up with my pain in the ass management is worth the job I get to do. After San Angelo, it was off to San Diego for Andrea's PhD graduation, which, let's face it, was basically drinkfest 2012. After my cab ride home from the airport, I was met with a glass of wine at the door, and suddenly life got a lot better. Andrea took care of a pretty amazing spread for dinner, and we sat, drank wine, ate appetizers, and figured out life. Rishi was there, so it basically a wedding reunion. Well, minus David, but he wasn't exactly missed...Saturday was graduation day and then a fancy happy hour turn dinner to celebrate. Happy Hour meant about 5 mojitos in a couple of hours, so you know I was feeling no pain. Andrea and I had total pillow talk that night, and discussed things that cannot be repeated on the internet. ;)

After San Diego, I took a little travel break, and Colleen came into town for a weekend, before spending a week working with our WISH program at work. It was a fun week, with 42 awesome high school girls from across the country. Despite some serious chaos at certain points, I think the girls had a good time, and there was some serious team building within our staff at work as we overcame a few hurdles. This week Jess and I headed back to the lake for a few more days of relaxation and sun. Now, with the minis, relaxation has taken on a whole new meaning. Instead of relaxing on the deck with a drink, we now relax by napping along with a cute little mini. Brylee has totally stolen my heart because she knows her Aunt Debs will always put her to sleep, so she picks up her blanket, crawls up on my lap, looks at me, and puts her head on my shoulder. We curled up on Wednesday morning and took a 2 hour naps on a bunch of pillows. She is cuddler, and will sleep forever if she is next to someone. It is so cool how much she loves her Aunt Debs though, and I love her and her little sister so much it is not even funny.

Now I am back in Houston and working on the second half of my summer travel. So far, a trip to LA is on the horizon for Dad's surgery next week, and then a cruise in August. Our trip in October to New York is booked and good to go, and other than the last two weeks, the walking has been going well. Currently I have a swollen foot after kicking the boat propeller yesterday while swimming. I don't think it is broken, but it is nicely bruised and makes wearing real shoes a little bit difficult. Anyway, I have been on some interesting walks, which helped me determine that 3pm in Houston summers will never be a good time for a five mile walk. Ever. But, I am enjoying the challenge and seeing the changes as the distances become easier. It has been hard, but it is amazing when I think about how easy a long walk is compared to what my friends and family have gone through in their fight with Breast Cancer. Keeping that in mind makes the walks worth it, and the money even more important. =)

30 for 30

So, yesterday I stayed home "sick" from work. Yea, cough, cough. And Jessica and I drove out to Lake Charles to do some Blackjack playing and to just hang out. I finished my last spring program on Friday (or well, really, Saturday morning about 12:30am when the last kid was safely in a hotel for an early morning Saturday flight), so I was ready for some down time and some fun friend time. I have been seeing very little of anyone other than students and my awesome coworkers. Don't get me wrong, I love Tristyn and Katherine, but after 6 weeks, they have heard all my stories. So, it was nice to get away from work, and to just reflect on life and discuss issues that don't involve student food allergies, tours, or why the rover engines are slower than last year (look at my face, does it look like I care?). Anyway, we came across this list "Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the time she is 30." It is below. We went through the list and decided we were both doing pretty well...but NOT perfect, according to the list.

 By 30, you should have:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend with-out ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go—be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat—when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30!

We decided were doing pretty good for ourselves. And this list made me think, I have come so far in the last five years. I think I spend a lot of time measuring my life based on the last year, which we all know sucked. However, if I look back 5 years, I have had some great moments, and some awesome learning experiences. And I have had some lows too...but the high definitely outnumber these lows. And somewhere along the way, I not only hit my thirties, but dove in head first. And you know what, they are kinda fun. So, a few comments on the list. First, thanks Dad for the screwdrivers and cordless drill. At the time I rolled my eyes, but now I am so glad you took care of your daughters enough to not let us be dumb girls. And loved us enough to teach us how to pretend to be dumb girls when we need something done for us. And the black bra, well, I think there is a hotel room in Vegas that will never be the same after the "black bra club" rolled in for a certain bachelorette party a few years back. I think I am doing well with the things I should have. I have some juicy stories for my old age (I LOVE when my grandmother tells her juiciest stories over wine and pasta. Now that we are old enough to hear them, she tells us EVERYTHING!). I have a non padded resume. I have a bunch of friends who let me laugh, let me cry, and let me do both at the same time. I have a satisfying career,and exercise routine (most of the time), and I am very aware that I deserve something nice every once in a while. Now, the things I should know, I am doing ok at, but still working on some of them. I have learned this year when to try harder and when to walk away, and I am working on applying and actually following through with that. I know who the secretary of state is, the others I am a little fuzzy on. I love living alone and know how to do that perfectly. I know where to go when my soul needs soothing (I have a few places, but let me tell you, 2 little blonde girls and their giggles will sooth a soul immediately). I loved my childhood and wouldn't change anything about it. The flossing I could probably work on. The trust I have down, which is funny because I just said to someone tonight "I like her, but I don't trust her..." I have learned about trust this last year, and about what you can say and who you can say it to, who you can trust with your deep dark secrets and feelings, and how quickly trust can be lost or broken. I love the length of my legs, and am probably one of the few women who wishes her hips were a little bit bigger (seriously, no butt= pants that NEVER stay up, and it's not because they are too big, there is just NOTHING for them to sit on). I think I know how to fall in love without losing myself, but give me a little while to test this one out again. The kissing one I clearly suck at, but this will be included in my juicy stories I will only tell in my old age. Yea, and you thought the blog was a tell-all...right.... Anyway, I think life does begin at 30. You don't know yourself well enough before that point. I have figured out what makes me happy, what makes me tick, and what excites me. I know what is important, and which friends to turn to in certain situations. I love that I have a good job, with a purpose, and things to do in my free time, goals, ambition, and responsibility. I like where I am in my life. I have a few things to work on, but life would be boring if we didn't have things to fix about ourselves, to work on improving. And I love that! The question is, what am I supposed to have and know by 40? And don't say gray hair, because that is so already happening...

One year

It's been a year, and it feels like yesterday. A day doesn't pass that I don't think about Suzy.

I talk to her everyday. I ask her questions about life, I laugh with her about things I know she would laugh at if she was still alive. I think (a lot) about what she would say to me if I asked for her advice. I talk to her now more than I did when she was alive. I am not religious per se, and I don't really know what my beliefs are concerning the afterlife, but I talk to Suzy all the time. She is up there, watching and listening. She has to be. She shows up in my dreams from time to time. Sometimes I think she has enough to watch over, with her two beautiful children growing up without their mom. But I know she is taking care of them, and that brings me a lot of peace. She has been my guardian angel for the last year. And I know she has been an angel for so many others this year too.

In February, there was a night (ok, there were several nights) when I almost lost it. I had spent the entire day at St. Luke's, meeting with doctors and having tests run. Jessica had stayed with me, keeping me distracted and upbeat. I was doing fine until I went back for the MRI. As I changed into another hospital gown and looked into the mirror in the bathroom, I started to lose it. I felt all alone, facing something I wasn't sure I could overcome. I looked straight into my own eyes in that bathroom mirror and watched them well up. And then I thought of Suzy. I am not sure why, or what made me think of her, but I did. And she brought me back and reminded me how strong she was, and how she always found the humor in everything. And she got me through the next two hours of laying on a cold metal bench, alone and scared, with no clue how I was going to face the next few weeks.

When Suzy died, a lot changed. For all of us. It made us all look at life differently. It made me realize what is worth worrying about, and what is not. And it reminded me that you never know how much time you have. When they told me I had a heart tumor, all those thoughts came rushing back. I was scared, not to die, but to deal with such a major life changing event. But more than being scare, I was mad. I was mad at myself. When Suzy died, I spent a lot of time realizing how much I take for granted, and how lucky I am. For a while, after she died, I had a different outlook on life. I appreciated the smallest things, hugged people harder and longer, and tried to appreciate how much I had. Then that faded. And when the heart tumor reared its head, I realized I was mad at myself for forgetting the lessons I had learned when Suzy passed away. It was then that I realized I didn't want her death to be in vain. What she taught me I never want to have to learn again, and I never want to forget. And I certainly shouldn't have to be reminded about how easy it is to take life for grant by a heart tumor, let alone a friend's death.

This last year, many of my close friends have had babies. Suzy had 2 children, and she was the most amazing mom I have ever met. My girlfriends are all wonderful mothers, but there was just something about Suzy, it was so natural for her. I have a friend who had a little girl who died when she was 18 months old. She passed away, to the day, 2 years before Suzy. This hit me hard last year when I realized it, but, for some reason, is hitting me even harder this year. I can't help but think, though, that Suzy is making sure that little girl is taken of too. She wouldn't have it any other way.

This week at work we were going through old videos on YouTube about our programs at NASA. I was pulling links for some of the videos to include in a presentation for work. And I was not prepared for what I found. In the midst of several student videos was a video produced two years ago for a television show. Half way through the video, I found myself watching Suzy talk about NASA and the program. For the last year I have found pictures of Suzy all over the place. We made a book for her children, so I spent hours pouring over pictures trying to find the right ones to save for her babies. I found a note in my desk she left me two summers ago. We found a card she had made us with her daughter's picture on it. This week, however, was the first time I had heard her voice in over a year. And it hit home that this was it. There won't be more videos of Suzy. We have what we have, and that's all we are going to get. The link to the video is here:

http://youtu.be/3d0aZEDpiAI

I think Suzy would be especially enthralled with the fact that the producers of this video labeled her as an engineer. In the midst of the tears watching this, the "Engineer" title made me giggle. It is SO Suzy! And what I love those most is that, even though she isn't with us anymore, this is a new memory for me, and for her friends. And she is still cracking us up. For some, I imagine this is a comforting thing to watch. I think for others it will be difficult. It's there for those of you who want to hear her voice again. I just wish there was more of it.

For me, dealing with Suzy's death was difficult for several reasons on several levels, most of which I am not going to go into on the internet. Those of you who know, know. Those who don't most likely never will. I will say that it took me longer to mourn her than I expected, and that I don't think I faced her death as head on as I could or should have. Death, I think, is not something you get over in a specified amount of time, or ever, really. But, over the last few weeks, I have realized something. Talking about her has gotten easier. Remembering the fun we all used to have has become somewhat less painful. It makes me smile to remember the crazy days at work we used to spend playing match maker, or the afternoons we spent drinking a few too many beers, or the evenings we spent with (sometimes drunk) astronauts in the Historic Mission Control. She used to just hand me Morgan when she would walk into the room, because she knew how much I loved her. We planned a trip to Colorado last spring when I was going for work. I wish we had followed through and taken that trip, even if she was seven months pregnant. These memories make me smile. She was such a cool girl. We had nothing but fun when we were together. And she was an unforgettable friend. I think, as I reflect on her today, that she would want all of us to love each other like she did. And to give out hugs like they are going out of style. And to just live, happy and healthy, as much as possible. And mostly, to remember her with smiles, not with tears. I won't ever forget Suzy, and I am going to keep remembering all of our fun for years to come. I miss her, but know she is somewhere, watching us all figure out life, and laughing as she enjoys the show.

AWESOME

A year ago, almost to the day, I went to my (awesome) doctor because I was so tired I could barely get out of bed, let alone function at a normal level. Thus started a several month journey back and forth to blood labs, specialists, pharmacies, and hospitals. 11 months later I had had 2 surgeries, 3 sleep studies, several sleep aides, a CPAP, 7 separate blood draws, and 3 cameras shoved down my throat. After canceling 3 vacations, not eating for several weeks, and not sleeping for several nights in a row, I was basically at my wits end. And then, suddenly I made some major changes and life improved drastically. I put my foot down a couple of times at work. I got rid of a boy who, in the end, was a huge ass (thanks friends who knew this MONTHS in advance). I spent some time with some amazing friends and their beautiful children. I started eating balanced meals and working out 3-4 times a week. I started taking obscene amounts of Vitamin D. And all of a sudden, my life is AWESOME. Again. I mean, it was awesome before, but apparently it just took a break. I have energy like nothing I have ever had before. I can get up at 6, workout, work all day, do something late into the evening, and repeat. I no longer have to spend all weekend sleeping just to get through the next week. I feel good. No, I feel great. And it is about time. 30 sucked, but not for the reasons I thought it might. 31 is going to be awesome, and I am so ready to get started. I have a lot to look forward to, and a lot going great in my life already these days (and no, I am not going to expand on that just yet...). It is about time.

So, thanks everyone, for bearing with me as I got through this last year. And now, as I am about to turn 31, I am pretty sure we have a year to catch up on. So, who is in for some fun trips and new adventures? C'mon people, I have energy to burn and places to go!