It’s been 18 months since she died. My life is completely different than it was when she was still here. It’s no secret the year after she died was the most trying time in my life. I can say now though that my life is better than it has ever been. I was always happy, but I am now happy to the point where I sometimes find myself thinking about how happy I really am. And I talk to her about it, because I know she is watching it all go down, and helping us all along. Losing a friend like that was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through up to that point in my life. What followed may have not been harder, but it was as much of a challenge as her death was. What helped me, though, was the reminder to take advantage of life and live it for all it is worth. Suzy’s life was cut way too short, and I would take her back in a heartbeat. However, since we will never be that lucky, it is only right to let her live on as a reminder of how valuable life is, and how much we all have to live for. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love and care about me. I re-found a note from Suzy when I cleaned out my NASA desk in August. It made me tear up and smile at the same time. She was so carefree, and she LOVED life so much. Sometimes I fall into bed at night after a full day, completely exhausted. And I think how nice it would be to have a day to do nothing. And very quickly I realize that in reality, that is the last thing I want. I can’t waste days anymore. My brain doesn’t let me. Sometimes it's just the little things. If I have an hour, I visit my minis (because I love them so freakin’ much). If I have time at work, I am constantly planning something new (mostly trips). I like to be busy, not just to be entertained, but to feel like I am not wasting time, wasting life. It is too important. When I have down time, I sign up for new and ridiculous hobbies or challenges (curling anyone?). And then sometimes I wonder how I get myself into certain situations…
This weekend Jessica and I are walking to Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in New York City. We have been fundraising since early April and training (sort of ) since the summer. We each raised $1800 and walked countless miles. I am lucky to be able to do something like this, on so many levels. I am lucky to have the support of my friends and community who donated to this amazing cause. I am lucky to be physically able to walk 40 miles in two days (well, hopefully). I am lucky to have a job that allows me the time to take on these kinds of adventures. I am lucky to have a best friend who will walk next to me, and keep me on track, even if it is 60 degrees and raining. And I bet we don’t run out of things to talk about the entire way! But mostly, I am incredibly lucky to be healthy enough to participate in this kind of event. We both are well aware that this experience will be a lot of fun, but also an incredible emotional two days. We will be walking with people who have survived this terrible disease. We will also be walking with people who have lost or are losing loved ones to this horrific illness. Even during my training I was well aware that the pain and exhaustion I felt from an 8 or 10 mile walk was nothing compared to the pain of this illness. It will be quite a weekend, and another reminder of how important and valuable our lives are. I know Suzy will be with us every step of the way, keeping us safe and laughing with us (and probably thinking we are nuts for taking this challenge on). I just wish she was here to walk with us.
No comments:
Post a Comment