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Holy moly, I am a mess. Not like I am falling apart, but seriously, one thing after another. I am pretty sure I have been to every kind of specialist doctor in the Clear Lake are in the last six months. And I have learned a ton about a bunch of different ailments and illnesses from the internet. And I have gotten through my hypochondriac phase, which was exciting, but not too enjoyable for me or my insurance savings account. And, I am still freaking tired. BUT, there is good news. After six months and multiple diagnoses for things I have that may or may not be actually related to being tired, it seems we might have found the real issue. Or at least, I hope. So, in my doctor's office, there is a Sleep Apnea poster. And it talks about the signs and symptoms and stats of Sleep Apnea. ANd last time I was there, I spent some time reading the poster while waiting for Dr. G (who I might add is my favorite doctor in the whole world; everyone should be so freakin' lucky to have such a friendly open minded doctor). And the first symptom of this issue is snoring. Now, I haven't snored in years. When I was a kid, yup, I snored. But in my adult life, as far as I can tell (and for the record, its not like I'm having slumber parties with people left, right, and center to confirm this), I don't really snore anymore. So, I kind of wrote it off (and let me tell you, I don't write off much these days in the doctor's office). Anyway, after talking with Dr. G some more about just how tired I am, and how it is affecting work and my social life, she decided to send me for a sleep test just to make sure i didn't actually have Sleep Apnea. I was somewhat pessimistic about it, but am pretty much willing to try anything these days.

Fast forward two weeks. I spent a long, most sleepless night in a private room with a TV, fan, and queen sized bed. Oh, and about 100 wires taped to me, not to mention some sort of contraption in my nose. I slept for about 3 hours that night. But apparently that was enough to collect the data to tell me that I do in fact have sleep apnea. Classified as severe even. I stop breathing, on average, 61 times an hour when I am sleeping. That's more than once a minute. Good God. So last night they brought me back to try out the super sexy CPAP, which is basically a nose mask that pushes air into your nose and airway, to keep the airway from closing or relaxing too much. I slept for maybe an hour (and I would have told you I didn't sleep at all, but the nurse tells me I was asleep). I am hoping this gets easier when I am home with this contraption on, instead of in a strange bed with wires everywhere. But, I got through it, and after four hours of sleep this morning in my own bed, I don't feel totally hungover (just partially). Why I went to work today is beyond me, but I did, and now I am happily on the couch, just thinking about all the possibilities involved in getting a full night's sleep, and waking up rested, and having energy past about 6pm every day. AMAZING. I am hopeful this will help with a lot of the fatigue, and couple with the thyroid medicine, I am well on my way back to the Old Deb (and by Old Deb, I mean, the Deb of last year, not the Aged Deb, because we all know that will never happen. And that the gray hairs I have found recently are a fluke, and not going to continue).

And so, six months after I started having fatigue, exhaustion, anxiety, and all sorts of other fun issues, I think we might be coming to the end of the road of all of this. And I am thrilled. I feel like I might have the energy to actually get back to the gym, get back outside, and even get back to shopping (although the lack of energy to shop has really helped my savings account). And I am excited to not have to go through another spring (or fall for that matter) at work with this kind of energy problem. I was pretty sure I was going to have to find a new job before then if things didn't change (although, not to sure I dont still need a new job sometime soon).

As I type this, I think that I really should point out that what I have learned repeatedly since March is that while life will send you crazy curveballs and challenges, it will also only send you what you can handle. And in the midst of the times when you don't think you can handle any more, or want to throw your hands in the air and give up, life will also deliver same amazing perspective. Perspective can be great, but it isn't always delivered in the happiest packages. And so, especially in the last six months, perspective has been something I have had to deal with in some pretty horrific ways. Death and serious illness can have a huge impact on anyone's life. They can remind you how sensitive life can be, and how quickly it can be taken from you. And because of this, while this year has been a struggle, and this struggle is most likely far from over, it is still worth it, because in the end, I will be stronger. And healthier. And my family will be healthier. And while a lot of tears have been shed over the last six months, there have been some amazing outcomes from such hard and sad times. And for those things, I am thankful. And the people who have struggled alongside me with their own problems, their own health or personal issues, they remind me how strong we all can be, and how resilient we are as people. And of course, above everything else, and in the lowest of moments, I have been reminded how amazing the people in my life are. And how lucky I am to have some of the best friends in the entire world. When things get really tough, we all lean on each other. And as I have gone through the past few months, I have really learned who my true friends are, and just how much leaning they will put up with. I'm pretty damn lucky.

Weddings

I have been in 8 weddings. That's right. They pretty made the movie 27 Dresses about me. It's weird that they never called me to help with the details of it, actually. This weekend someone asked me if I can name them all quickly? You better believe it. In order and with the colors of the dresses: Leilani (purple), Rachel (red), Cara (light blue), Joy (pink), Andrea (navy blue), Kiyomi (black), Caitlin (brown), and now Lacey (navy blue). And throughout the last ten years and these 8 weddings, I have had some very interesting bridal related experiences. I was reliving some of them this weekend as we were working on the final preparations for Lacey's wedding. I have attended bachelorette parties in several great locations: Vegas, Palm Springs, and San Francisco (interestingly enough, there were several repeats). I have spent many nights folding programs, including a rather late night trip to Kinkos to pick up the copies that were forgotten about until the night before the ceremony. I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of wedding photographers. I have heard the best and worst weddings DJs ever (and hit on a few in my less than sober state of mind). I have danced with 100 groomsmen, a bunch of fathers of the brides (and uncles, brothers, and other random men related to someone in the wedding), and even a waiter or two at a certain wedding. I have had drinks named after me on more than once occasion,

And then there are the after parties for these weddings. Chair races down hotel hallways at 3am with the train of my dress tucked over my shoulder and into the top of my dress. Emptying out the mini bar in a hotel room paid for by one of the groomsman's parents (this might have been in my MUCH younger days). Signing marriage licenses while not quite sober (this always seemed questionable to me). Dodging sketchy groomsmen while carrying heavy bags full of the bride's make-up, shoes, and every other possible thing she might ever need during her wedding. The drive back to NP after Joy's wedding, the day before my birthday (I was not driving) was a party in itself. That was only after I had tried to attack my mother with the plastic spoons we have made into wedding favors. Sorry mom.

Oh, and the rehearsal dinners. Man, sometimes those are more fun than the weddings themselves. Big groups of family, with no buffers, all stressed, tired, and bitching at each other. What more could a girl want (but only when she isn't actually related to anyone in this group). I have eaten Mexican food, BBQ, tapas, Italian, you name it, it has happened. I remember a certain wedding in which the father of the bride was pushing drinks on the bridal party in hopes we would be too hungover to drink at the wedding the next night (which was the bar tab HE would be picking up). This backfired as we ended up at the bar doing shots that night (rounds of 9 shots at a time for the entire group), and had such a good time we continued it the next night at the wedding. I have seen bridesmaids demoted and groomsmen so drunk they didn't make it to dinner. This weekend the brisket burned overnight and the chefs had to start from scratch 4 hours before the dinner started.

This weekend was Lacey's wedding. That's right, wedding #8. And I spent 2 days prepping and driving around with the bride to pick up flowers and family members from all over the place. I was the maid of honor, which comes with a whole lot of extra responsibility, but not too much extra recognition (other than the required speech, which is not really any recognition I want or need). But, I will say, I am a damn good bridesmaid/maid of honor. This is because my belief about weddings is, it is ALL about the bride. So, you can hate me, you can think I am a huge bitch, but if the bride wants me to tell you how it is, that is exactly what I am going to do. And if the bride wants everyone out of her face, I will throw elbows to make sure it happens. And if the brides has a crazy family (let's face it, they all do), I am in charge of keeping them all in line. I have been in charge of mothers of the bride, fathers of the bride, flower girls, questionable groomsmen, you name it, I have taken it on. I have sewed a train to a dress after the bustle broke. I have applied band-aids to the back of heels because some of my friends are a little too dumb to wear comfy shoes when they get married (you know who you are). I have decorate honeymoon suites with candles (possibly against hotel policy, but whatever). I have run through the streets of San Fransisco to find oatmeal and dollar pancakes on a Saturday morning at 7am. I am particularly good at bitching at photographers and DJs. And the bartenders always know me by the end of the night (there might be a drink out there called "The Deb" leftover from a particularly swanky wedding a few years back. Kathy was our bartender this weekend, and at the point when I was behind the bar with her, I realized we were pretty much friends for life. Anyway, the wedding day is the one day of the year where I really believe the bride can say and do whatever she wants and people have to listen. Now, I don't suggest her actually doing this, but this is the one and only time I am willing to put up with it. And I'll tell you where to get off if you cross me.

I would like to now take this chance, on this public forum, in front of the three of you that actually read this, to announce that I am officially now retiring as a bridesmaid. Eight weddings is enough. If my calculations are right, between the dresses, the bachelorette parties, the bridal showers, the shoes, nails, hair, make-up, I have spent upwards of $10K. That is a lot of money. It would more than pay off my car. And so, officially for the record, i would like to state, i am retiring. I will continue to attend weddings, but no longer in a bridesmaid role. Ok, fine, there might be a few people, who as they put it, are grandfathered in, but they better get married freaking' soon (ahem, you know who you are). And then, officially, I am retired.