Weddings

I have been in 8 weddings. That's right. They pretty made the movie 27 Dresses about me. It's weird that they never called me to help with the details of it, actually. This weekend someone asked me if I can name them all quickly? You better believe it. In order and with the colors of the dresses: Leilani (purple), Rachel (red), Cara (light blue), Joy (pink), Andrea (navy blue), Kiyomi (black), Caitlin (brown), and now Lacey (navy blue). And throughout the last ten years and these 8 weddings, I have had some very interesting bridal related experiences. I was reliving some of them this weekend as we were working on the final preparations for Lacey's wedding. I have attended bachelorette parties in several great locations: Vegas, Palm Springs, and San Francisco (interestingly enough, there were several repeats). I have spent many nights folding programs, including a rather late night trip to Kinkos to pick up the copies that were forgotten about until the night before the ceremony. I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of wedding photographers. I have heard the best and worst weddings DJs ever (and hit on a few in my less than sober state of mind). I have danced with 100 groomsmen, a bunch of fathers of the brides (and uncles, brothers, and other random men related to someone in the wedding), and even a waiter or two at a certain wedding. I have had drinks named after me on more than once occasion,

And then there are the after parties for these weddings. Chair races down hotel hallways at 3am with the train of my dress tucked over my shoulder and into the top of my dress. Emptying out the mini bar in a hotel room paid for by one of the groomsman's parents (this might have been in my MUCH younger days). Signing marriage licenses while not quite sober (this always seemed questionable to me). Dodging sketchy groomsmen while carrying heavy bags full of the bride's make-up, shoes, and every other possible thing she might ever need during her wedding. The drive back to NP after Joy's wedding, the day before my birthday (I was not driving) was a party in itself. That was only after I had tried to attack my mother with the plastic spoons we have made into wedding favors. Sorry mom.

Oh, and the rehearsal dinners. Man, sometimes those are more fun than the weddings themselves. Big groups of family, with no buffers, all stressed, tired, and bitching at each other. What more could a girl want (but only when she isn't actually related to anyone in this group). I have eaten Mexican food, BBQ, tapas, Italian, you name it, it has happened. I remember a certain wedding in which the father of the bride was pushing drinks on the bridal party in hopes we would be too hungover to drink at the wedding the next night (which was the bar tab HE would be picking up). This backfired as we ended up at the bar doing shots that night (rounds of 9 shots at a time for the entire group), and had such a good time we continued it the next night at the wedding. I have seen bridesmaids demoted and groomsmen so drunk they didn't make it to dinner. This weekend the brisket burned overnight and the chefs had to start from scratch 4 hours before the dinner started.

This weekend was Lacey's wedding. That's right, wedding #8. And I spent 2 days prepping and driving around with the bride to pick up flowers and family members from all over the place. I was the maid of honor, which comes with a whole lot of extra responsibility, but not too much extra recognition (other than the required speech, which is not really any recognition I want or need). But, I will say, I am a damn good bridesmaid/maid of honor. This is because my belief about weddings is, it is ALL about the bride. So, you can hate me, you can think I am a huge bitch, but if the bride wants me to tell you how it is, that is exactly what I am going to do. And if the bride wants everyone out of her face, I will throw elbows to make sure it happens. And if the brides has a crazy family (let's face it, they all do), I am in charge of keeping them all in line. I have been in charge of mothers of the bride, fathers of the bride, flower girls, questionable groomsmen, you name it, I have taken it on. I have sewed a train to a dress after the bustle broke. I have applied band-aids to the back of heels because some of my friends are a little too dumb to wear comfy shoes when they get married (you know who you are). I have decorate honeymoon suites with candles (possibly against hotel policy, but whatever). I have run through the streets of San Fransisco to find oatmeal and dollar pancakes on a Saturday morning at 7am. I am particularly good at bitching at photographers and DJs. And the bartenders always know me by the end of the night (there might be a drink out there called "The Deb" leftover from a particularly swanky wedding a few years back. Kathy was our bartender this weekend, and at the point when I was behind the bar with her, I realized we were pretty much friends for life. Anyway, the wedding day is the one day of the year where I really believe the bride can say and do whatever she wants and people have to listen. Now, I don't suggest her actually doing this, but this is the one and only time I am willing to put up with it. And I'll tell you where to get off if you cross me.

I would like to now take this chance, on this public forum, in front of the three of you that actually read this, to announce that I am officially now retiring as a bridesmaid. Eight weddings is enough. If my calculations are right, between the dresses, the bachelorette parties, the bridal showers, the shoes, nails, hair, make-up, I have spent upwards of $10K. That is a lot of money. It would more than pay off my car. And so, officially for the record, i would like to state, i am retiring. I will continue to attend weddings, but no longer in a bridesmaid role. Ok, fine, there might be a few people, who as they put it, are grandfathered in, but they better get married freaking' soon (ahem, you know who you are). And then, officially, I am retired.