Bring it, 2012!

Happy 2012 everyone! We are 3 weeks in, and already this year is showing vast improvements from last year, although we still seem to be riding one hell of a roller coaster. Le't see if I can get this all onto the computer before I forget what I wanted to say...

2011 was horrendous for me. If you read this blog, you know I went through a lot. And I am not usually the person to complain about my life, or about the stuff going on, but at some point, it all just became too much. Being where I am now, I can look back at the last 10 months of my life and realize how bad it got. I remember in April not sleeping for 3 straight days. 3 freakin' days...that'll make you look like a cracked out zombie REAL fast. I know now that was my body reacting to stress. I went through a bunch of weeks where I had no desire to eat. I pretty much kept the Kroger bakery in business single handedly by only being able to eat their banana bread during these weeks. I pretty much gained and lost the same 8lbs at least 6 times last summer. It is amazing what not sleeping well can do to you, and how quickly. What I didn't realize was, how other parts of my life were stressing me out as well. I knew work was stressing me out. It had been for a while, but it got really bad last spring, as I was being pulled in about 40 different directions by my 8 different managers. I love working for NASA, and I love what I get to do with my students, but sometimes, even that is not enough. So, work was stressful, and not particularly rewarding early last year. And then there was my personal life. Turns out, I was more stressed than I realized. I don't think I realized until this week just how much I was carrying around with me. So here goes, my blog, I can say what I want. Mom, if you are reading this, I don't want to talk about it.

Let me preface this by saying what I am about to write about has been a huge secret in my life for the past 8 months. I am not ready to put it out there 100%, but it is time for me put some of it out in the universe. So, I am going to try and write it down and be clear, but I recognize it might come out a little bit sparse and confusing. Deal with it people, I don't get paid to write, so it is what it is. You're lucky I edit at all.

I started dating someone in May of last year. And is was complicated from day 1. It wasn't something I pursued, it just happened. We got along, we were both going through some pretty bad things in our lives, and I think we were just able to support each other. He was going through more than me, and when we first started dating, I knew I was setting myself up. I knew he wasn't ready to be dating anyone, that he hadn't gotten through all of the emotions he needed to deal with. But, in the end, it doesn't matter what my analytical head told me, we connected. We had a lot of fun, laughing and telling stories, and generally enjoying each other's company. But it was a secret. I knew he wasn't ready to be seen dating anyone, that it would hurt too many people around us, several of them being mutual friends we had. I struggled with telling anyone I did, and with the reactions people would have if they ever found out about us dating. There were tears (and those who know me know I am so not a cryer). I don't like secrets. I don't like keeping them when they are about me. And this was one difficult secret to hold inside. I am a pretty open book, and not being able to share a piece of my life was hard on me. Slowly I told some of my close friends, and some not so close friends who would never be involved. It became more natural for us to spend time together as the year went on. But it still never felt 100% right. I always knew in the back of my head that he wasn't ready to make any commitments, or even be dealing with the world of dating. It's amazing how much you can ignore when you want to. Anyway, I finally realized that I wasn't putting myself in a good position, nor was I putting him in a good position, by continuing to date him knowing how much had yet to be dealt with. And while it wasn't an easy choice, I had to finally walk away. And once this relationship ended, I could feel how much stress it had been causing me. Don't get me wrong, we were close and got each other through some hard times. I was stressed, but he was not the root of the stress, it was the situation. Probably those of you who know understand what I am trying to say, and those who don't think I am now nuts. But, I can now say, with a certain amount of certainty, that I spent 8 months being stressed out by my health, my work, and a dating situation that couldn't have really been more complicated. What have I learned? A ton. A ton about myself, about learning to follow my intuition, and my super analytical brain, and about life. Also, don't tell me your secrets, people, I don't even deal well with my own, so I certainly don't want yours.

So, that's a little bit of a view into some of the stressors in my life since last March. There were others, we all know there are always stressors, and it's just having the ability to deal with them. Perhaps if I had been getting real sleep, the other stressors wouldn't have seemed so bad. I guess I will never know. What I do know, however, is how at peace I feel now. My sleep apnea is officially done (the tonsillectomy seems to have done the trick), and I am slowly relearning how much sleep my body needs in order to function (a year ago I would have said 4-6 hours, now I think it is more like 8-9. Maybe I am just catching up from the last 8 months?). I have lost almost 50lbs since this time last year, and the weight loss continues to occur (ask my friends, I apparently never regained much of an appetite after not eating for 2 weeks in December). I threw away 8 pairs of jeans today, all too big. I know this is good news, but man, jeans are expensive. I now fit into the smallest pair of jeans I own, so if this goes on for much longer, I will go broke. I know, I know, people wish for these kinds of problems.

Ok, so if you are still reading, I am finally making it to the big news, the actual reason I started today's blog, and the thing that is most exciting in my life right now. No, I am not pregnant (but thank you to all of you who have asked me that each time I tell you I have big news). I am moving. That's right, I am leaving Houston. Not permanently (yet), but it is somewhat long term. I am going on a rotation (so, I go and do a separate job for my company, and when I come back, I get my old job back) to New Mexico for six months. I will be working at the Air Force Research Lab (AFRL) running an internship program for them this spring and summer. It is a big project for the company I work for, and the company president apparently has his eye on it. I am excited for the chance to grow in this company, and to prove myself and my abilities. It is also no secret that my job wares on my quite often, and I am taking this as a chance to see if the grass is really greener on the other side. I am always looking for work, but most of the time, the opportunities out there aren't enough to make me leave NASA, because I am always worried I will regret it. I think this will give me a chance to see if I would want to work elsewhere. Plus, I am so excited to skip a summer in Houston, and to instead be in the high dessert, where humidity doesn't really exist unless a thunderstorm is rolling through. Bring on the dry heat! I leave mid February, and will be there through August. Come visit me, and help me explore this new part of the country. Now that my stress level has diminished significantly, I am ready to start back up with my adventures and my exploration. It has been a while, and the hiatus is officially over!