Silence

“Saying nothing...sometimes says the most.”
-Emily Dickinson


Tonight, as I sat in the darkness of Jessica's bedroom, rocking little Brylee to sleep after her last bottle, I started to think about how quiet it was. Jess was across the room, sitting on her bed, trying to get Brooklyn to sleep, and Brooklyn was fighting it. Brylee fights it less, she tries, but eventually there is a just a big sigh and she gives in and passes out. Anyway, as we both tried to get these little ones to fall asleep, we talked a little bit, in very hushed voices. But mostly, we just sat there, in the quiet, watching the TV on volume level 1. And it totally made me giggle. See, Jessica and I have spent a lot of time in silence. As I sat there and thought about all the times we have spent in required silence, I almost laughed out loud (which would have been bad, because by then, Brylee was dead weight in my arms) .

So, it all started back when we evacuated for Hurricane Ike (which, by the way, is probably the funniest blog entry I have ever written). We spent three hours in literal silence with 3 cats sleeping peacefully. Every time we would talk, even quietly, one of the cats would make a noise as if to say "uh, shut up, I'm sleeping." Damn cats. By the time we made it to the lake house, I had sat in the back seat of her truck, knees in my chin, next to two furrballs, and not said a word. We made it in time to watch the morning news. Which we watched in silence (mostly because we were both half asleep).

Then there were the many, many, many meetings at work in which we sat across from each other, in the small office, with Katherine between us, and we just talked with our eyes. All three of us. We always knew when the others were pissed (and man were we pissed a lot), and it took no talking to know that someone in the room was mentally updating their resume or thinking of all the places they would rather be. We used to joke that we would keep our keys in our pockets when we went into meeting we thought would piss us off, so that if we wanted to leave suddenly, we didn't have to dig for our purses and keys, they were already on us. Those meetings haven't stopped, although the players have definitely changed. But those initial days, in that little office, in silence, we all talked using our eyes. Our bosses have all told us we don't hide our emotions well. Do you think they know we aren't even slightly trying to hide our emotions?

More recently, we have spent many a drive home from a restaurant or other public place with either 2 screaming babies or 2 sleeping babies. Either way, we drive in silence. Because, if these babies are screaming, we can't hear each other anyway, and if they are sleeping, neither of us wants to be the one to wake them up. Trust me, if 2 twin babies somehow both fall asleep at the same time, you NEVER want to be the one to wake them up.

Now, don't get me wrong. Usually, when Jess and I hang out, we talk like it is going out of style. We talk about work, about life, about whatever we did that day, or about whoever is bugging us, annoying us, or interesting to us. We make plans for ridiculous trips, we bitch about situations that aggravate us, or we predict which baby will be the cheerleader, and which one will get caught underage drinking (I predict Brooklyn for the former, Brylee for the latter, in case anyone is wondering). Like any women, we talk and talk and talk. But sometimes, we don't need to talk. We just know.

Two Fridays ago, Jessica sat in silence next to me while I took the call from the doctor to tell me my tumor had grown. She didn't say anything. I don't think she knew what to say. I certainly didn't know what to say. She sat in silence while I called the next doctor to make my appointment. And when she went with me to the appointment, she sat in silence in the doctor's office, taking notes as instructed (well, until they kicked her out, but that's another story).

Silence is something that can be super powerful. It can be overwhelming or completely necessary. It can be empowering or depressing. Recently I haven't wanted to be alone. I have needed people around me, or people to talk to, or something to do. But it's funny, I can still sit in total silence with my friends. Just knowing they are there, even if it is across the room, is incredibly helpful. I think Emily Dickinson was right, saying nothing sometimes does say the most. It's just being there, without saying a damn thing, that makes it all better. Plus, that silence does make for some damn good stories!