Walking with an Angel

The tears started yesterday afternoon when the pictures started. Facebook can be great when you want information, but it also removes the ability to not have things thrown into your face when you might want to avoid them. Today Suzy would have been 32 years old. This weekend she would have had a swimming party, with margaritas and hamburgers. We would have laughed and laughed and had a grand old time. All the kids would have played together. There would have been general chaos, but she would have loved it. I’ll be celebrating Suzy all day long, and thinking about the fun times we all shared.

It’s been 18 months since she died. My life is completely different than it was when she was still here. It’s no secret the year after she died was the most trying time in my life. I can say now though that my life is better than it has ever been. I was always happy, but I am now happy to the point where I sometimes find myself thinking about how happy I really am. And I talk to her about it, because I know she is watching it all go down, and helping us all along. Losing a friend like that was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through up to that point in my life. What followed may have not been harder, but it was as much of a challenge as her death was. What helped me, though, was the reminder to take advantage of life and live it for all it is worth. Suzy’s life was cut way too short, and I would take her back in a heartbeat. However, since we will never be that lucky, it is only right to let her live on as a reminder of how valuable life is, and how much we all have to live for. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love and care about me. I re-found a note from Suzy when I cleaned out my NASA desk in August. It made me tear up and smile at the same time. She was so carefree, and she LOVED life so much. Sometimes I fall into bed at night after a full day, completely exhausted. And I think how nice it would be to have a day to do nothing. And very quickly I realize that in reality, that is the last thing I want. I can’t waste days anymore. My brain doesn’t let me. Sometimes it's just the little things. If I have an hour, I visit my minis (because I love them so freakin’ much). If I have time at work, I am constantly planning something new (mostly trips). I like to be busy, not just to be entertained, but to feel like I am not wasting time, wasting life. It is too important. When I have down time, I sign up for new and ridiculous hobbies or challenges (curling anyone?). And then sometimes I wonder how I get myself into certain situations…

This weekend Jessica and I are walking to Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in New York City. We have been fundraising since early April and training (sort of ) since the summer. We each raised $1800 and walked countless miles. I am lucky to be able to do something like this, on so many levels. I am lucky to have the support of my friends and community who donated to this amazing cause. I am lucky to be physically able to walk 40 miles in two days (well, hopefully). I am lucky to have a job that allows me the time to take on these kinds of adventures. I am lucky to have a best friend who will walk next to me, and keep me on track, even if it is 60 degrees and raining. And I bet we don’t run out of things to talk about the entire way! But mostly, I am incredibly lucky to be healthy enough to participate in this kind of event. We both are well aware that this experience will be a lot of fun, but also an incredible emotional two days. We will be walking with people who have survived this terrible disease. We will also be walking with people who have lost or are losing loved ones to this horrific illness. Even during my training I was well aware that the pain and exhaustion I felt from an 8 or 10 mile walk was nothing compared to the pain of this illness. It will be quite a weekend, and another reminder of how important and valuable our lives are. I know Suzy will be with us every step of the way, keeping us safe and laughing with us (and probably thinking we are nuts for taking this challenge on). I just wish she was here to walk with us.

New job, summer wrap up...

I have a new job. And I love it. It is all the great parts of my last job without all the bullshit. I get to hang out with students all day, give them advice (you know I'm all about advice) and at 5pm, when I go home, I leave the work behind. I missed my old job for about two tenths of a second, and then I remembered all the crappy managing and micromanagement and hoops we jumped through every day. And while I had about 4 really great coworkers, I still see them on a semi-regular basis, so I dont feel like I'm missing anything...except a lot of stress. Life is good. Oh, and I have my own office, with a window, a door (that locks) and my own private space. It is AMAZING. Here is my view:

I sort of skimped on the end of my summer in the blog. It was quite a whirlwind...Jess and I spent 4 fast paced days in England with my family. Jessica maintains she has never heard so much british cursing and seen so much serious drinking in such a short amount of time. I maintain she was clearly warned. I dont think she will ever be the same. She does say she understands me better now. And every once in a while, she (and now Billy too) like to call me Matmo. I have created a monster.

After England, we went on a short 4 day cruise. With the minis. Yep, that's right, 7 adults and 2 blonde twins, and the twins won. They were big fans of not napping and running the halls to watch the elevators go up and down. They tried the pool, but really, like like their Aunt Debs, liked the free soft serve ice cream next to the pool more than the swimming itself. They did not enjoy the long drawn out dinners, but instead enjoyed the buffet every night while Aunt Debs ordered 3 desserts in their absence. We dragged them around in their red wagon and they were the hit of the ship. Well, except for Jessica and me, who hit it big in the casino and paid for our cruises and then some. The first time ever that a pit boss has bought drinks for us while on a cruise ship. We were that impressive. I got some sun and a lot of rest, and enjoyed my last 3 days of vacation before I was actually on unemploymentcation.

September was spent sleeping in, applying for jobs, and lunching. That's right, I was a socialite for a month. It was pretty nice, especially once I got the new job and knew I would have a paycheck coming in on a regular basis. Billy closed on his house and we moved him in. Good thing he is never moving again, because that boy sure does have a lot of crap. And opinions about where his crap belongs. He and his crap will live in that house for the next 60 years. It will be easier than moving him again. Billy and Saundra and Paul also took me to my first Astros game, which was about what I expected...not quite a Dodger gamer ;) We left early for the Chocolate Bar, as you do...

I spent a weekend in Los Angeles for Colleen's Bachelorette weekend. We had a fun time getting pampered and then out on the town at Universal City Walk (which will forever remind me of high school) at Howl at the Moon. It was a whirlwind trip, but definitely worth it. Can't wait for the wedding in a few weeks...!

I'm excited for the fall...this weekend is the much anticipated walk in NYC. It is supposed to be 62 and raining. I imagine this walk might not go quite as we planned. Anyone want an over under on how long it takes me to get sick after 26 miles in cold rain? Or how many miles Jess completed before finding a bar where she can watch the A&M game? After NYC, I am home for a couple of weeks, and then off to Cali for Colleen's wedding, Chicago to visit Cindy and Sofia, and then New Orleans to visit the Farrs/Dobsons. And then it's Christmas! My favorite time of the year, and full of all sorts of fun. Come visit me, the nice time in Houston should fall sometime in the next 10 days in Houston. Then it will be gross and cold until mid March, when you will have another window of about 4 days to visit. Plan it now folks!

Summertime!

Well, it's summertime. And with summertime comes all sort of craziness and fun. Let's see, where to begin... As usual, I have been on a crazy summer travel schedule. In May I spent a weekend in Chicago with some of my oldest and greatest friends. We ate, and ate, and ate some more. We had deep dish pizza (um, twice), bread and cheese, and lots of good drinks. We solved the worlds' problems and talked all about the important things in life (boys, life, and work, in that order). It was a good time, as always, and next time, I am sure we will pick right back up where we left off. That's what happens when you have known people for 20+ years.

After Chicago we headed up to the lake house for a weekend of sun and babies. The minis were in rare form, keeping us all busy and giggling. Those little girls just get cuter ever day, and I love watching them grow up and develop personalities. Brylee learned to wave (finally!) on this trip, and we worked on getting them to go to bed earlier than midnight (still working on that while at the lake apparently). I got one hell of a sunburn on this trip, and peeled for weeks and weeks afterwards.

In June I spent a crazy 2 days in San Angelo and Odessa, Texas. Basically, El Paso, but small town. This was a work trip, and while the scenery and area was less than exciting, the kids and the work I was doing made it totally worthwhile. I was working with 12 kids from these small towns, who thought NASA was the most amazing thing they had ever learned about. It's trip like these that remind why putting up with my pain in the ass management is worth the job I get to do. After San Angelo, it was off to San Diego for Andrea's PhD graduation, which, let's face it, was basically drinkfest 2012. After my cab ride home from the airport, I was met with a glass of wine at the door, and suddenly life got a lot better. Andrea took care of a pretty amazing spread for dinner, and we sat, drank wine, ate appetizers, and figured out life. Rishi was there, so it basically a wedding reunion. Well, minus David, but he wasn't exactly missed...Saturday was graduation day and then a fancy happy hour turn dinner to celebrate. Happy Hour meant about 5 mojitos in a couple of hours, so you know I was feeling no pain. Andrea and I had total pillow talk that night, and discussed things that cannot be repeated on the internet. ;)

After San Diego, I took a little travel break, and Colleen came into town for a weekend, before spending a week working with our WISH program at work. It was a fun week, with 42 awesome high school girls from across the country. Despite some serious chaos at certain points, I think the girls had a good time, and there was some serious team building within our staff at work as we overcame a few hurdles. This week Jess and I headed back to the lake for a few more days of relaxation and sun. Now, with the minis, relaxation has taken on a whole new meaning. Instead of relaxing on the deck with a drink, we now relax by napping along with a cute little mini. Brylee has totally stolen my heart because she knows her Aunt Debs will always put her to sleep, so she picks up her blanket, crawls up on my lap, looks at me, and puts her head on my shoulder. We curled up on Wednesday morning and took a 2 hour naps on a bunch of pillows. She is cuddler, and will sleep forever if she is next to someone. It is so cool how much she loves her Aunt Debs though, and I love her and her little sister so much it is not even funny.

Now I am back in Houston and working on the second half of my summer travel. So far, a trip to LA is on the horizon for Dad's surgery next week, and then a cruise in August. Our trip in October to New York is booked and good to go, and other than the last two weeks, the walking has been going well. Currently I have a swollen foot after kicking the boat propeller yesterday while swimming. I don't think it is broken, but it is nicely bruised and makes wearing real shoes a little bit difficult. Anyway, I have been on some interesting walks, which helped me determine that 3pm in Houston summers will never be a good time for a five mile walk. Ever. But, I am enjoying the challenge and seeing the changes as the distances become easier. It has been hard, but it is amazing when I think about how easy a long walk is compared to what my friends and family have gone through in their fight with Breast Cancer. Keeping that in mind makes the walks worth it, and the money even more important. =)

30 for 30

So, yesterday I stayed home "sick" from work. Yea, cough, cough. And Jessica and I drove out to Lake Charles to do some Blackjack playing and to just hang out. I finished my last spring program on Friday (or well, really, Saturday morning about 12:30am when the last kid was safely in a hotel for an early morning Saturday flight), so I was ready for some down time and some fun friend time. I have been seeing very little of anyone other than students and my awesome coworkers. Don't get me wrong, I love Tristyn and Katherine, but after 6 weeks, they have heard all my stories. So, it was nice to get away from work, and to just reflect on life and discuss issues that don't involve student food allergies, tours, or why the rover engines are slower than last year (look at my face, does it look like I care?). Anyway, we came across this list "Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the time she is 30." It is below. We went through the list and decided we were both doing pretty well...but NOT perfect, according to the list.

 By 30, you should have:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend with-out ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go—be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat—when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30!

We decided were doing pretty good for ourselves. And this list made me think, I have come so far in the last five years. I think I spend a lot of time measuring my life based on the last year, which we all know sucked. However, if I look back 5 years, I have had some great moments, and some awesome learning experiences. And I have had some lows too...but the high definitely outnumber these lows. And somewhere along the way, I not only hit my thirties, but dove in head first. And you know what, they are kinda fun. So, a few comments on the list. First, thanks Dad for the screwdrivers and cordless drill. At the time I rolled my eyes, but now I am so glad you took care of your daughters enough to not let us be dumb girls. And loved us enough to teach us how to pretend to be dumb girls when we need something done for us. And the black bra, well, I think there is a hotel room in Vegas that will never be the same after the "black bra club" rolled in for a certain bachelorette party a few years back. I think I am doing well with the things I should have. I have some juicy stories for my old age (I LOVE when my grandmother tells her juiciest stories over wine and pasta. Now that we are old enough to hear them, she tells us EVERYTHING!). I have a non padded resume. I have a bunch of friends who let me laugh, let me cry, and let me do both at the same time. I have a satisfying career,and exercise routine (most of the time), and I am very aware that I deserve something nice every once in a while. Now, the things I should know, I am doing ok at, but still working on some of them. I have learned this year when to try harder and when to walk away, and I am working on applying and actually following through with that. I know who the secretary of state is, the others I am a little fuzzy on. I love living alone and know how to do that perfectly. I know where to go when my soul needs soothing (I have a few places, but let me tell you, 2 little blonde girls and their giggles will sooth a soul immediately). I loved my childhood and wouldn't change anything about it. The flossing I could probably work on. The trust I have down, which is funny because I just said to someone tonight "I like her, but I don't trust her..." I have learned about trust this last year, and about what you can say and who you can say it to, who you can trust with your deep dark secrets and feelings, and how quickly trust can be lost or broken. I love the length of my legs, and am probably one of the few women who wishes her hips were a little bit bigger (seriously, no butt= pants that NEVER stay up, and it's not because they are too big, there is just NOTHING for them to sit on). I think I know how to fall in love without losing myself, but give me a little while to test this one out again. The kissing one I clearly suck at, but this will be included in my juicy stories I will only tell in my old age. Yea, and you thought the blog was a tell-all...right.... Anyway, I think life does begin at 30. You don't know yourself well enough before that point. I have figured out what makes me happy, what makes me tick, and what excites me. I know what is important, and which friends to turn to in certain situations. I love that I have a good job, with a purpose, and things to do in my free time, goals, ambition, and responsibility. I like where I am in my life. I have a few things to work on, but life would be boring if we didn't have things to fix about ourselves, to work on improving. And I love that! The question is, what am I supposed to have and know by 40? And don't say gray hair, because that is so already happening...

One year

It's been a year, and it feels like yesterday. A day doesn't pass that I don't think about Suzy.

I talk to her everyday. I ask her questions about life, I laugh with her about things I know she would laugh at if she was still alive. I think (a lot) about what she would say to me if I asked for her advice. I talk to her now more than I did when she was alive. I am not religious per se, and I don't really know what my beliefs are concerning the afterlife, but I talk to Suzy all the time. She is up there, watching and listening. She has to be. She shows up in my dreams from time to time. Sometimes I think she has enough to watch over, with her two beautiful children growing up without their mom. But I know she is taking care of them, and that brings me a lot of peace. She has been my guardian angel for the last year. And I know she has been an angel for so many others this year too.

In February, there was a night (ok, there were several nights) when I almost lost it. I had spent the entire day at St. Luke's, meeting with doctors and having tests run. Jessica had stayed with me, keeping me distracted and upbeat. I was doing fine until I went back for the MRI. As I changed into another hospital gown and looked into the mirror in the bathroom, I started to lose it. I felt all alone, facing something I wasn't sure I could overcome. I looked straight into my own eyes in that bathroom mirror and watched them well up. And then I thought of Suzy. I am not sure why, or what made me think of her, but I did. And she brought me back and reminded me how strong she was, and how she always found the humor in everything. And she got me through the next two hours of laying on a cold metal bench, alone and scared, with no clue how I was going to face the next few weeks.

When Suzy died, a lot changed. For all of us. It made us all look at life differently. It made me realize what is worth worrying about, and what is not. And it reminded me that you never know how much time you have. When they told me I had a heart tumor, all those thoughts came rushing back. I was scared, not to die, but to deal with such a major life changing event. But more than being scare, I was mad. I was mad at myself. When Suzy died, I spent a lot of time realizing how much I take for granted, and how lucky I am. For a while, after she died, I had a different outlook on life. I appreciated the smallest things, hugged people harder and longer, and tried to appreciate how much I had. Then that faded. And when the heart tumor reared its head, I realized I was mad at myself for forgetting the lessons I had learned when Suzy passed away. It was then that I realized I didn't want her death to be in vain. What she taught me I never want to have to learn again, and I never want to forget. And I certainly shouldn't have to be reminded about how easy it is to take life for grant by a heart tumor, let alone a friend's death.

This last year, many of my close friends have had babies. Suzy had 2 children, and she was the most amazing mom I have ever met. My girlfriends are all wonderful mothers, but there was just something about Suzy, it was so natural for her. I have a friend who had a little girl who died when she was 18 months old. She passed away, to the day, 2 years before Suzy. This hit me hard last year when I realized it, but, for some reason, is hitting me even harder this year. I can't help but think, though, that Suzy is making sure that little girl is taken of too. She wouldn't have it any other way.

This week at work we were going through old videos on YouTube about our programs at NASA. I was pulling links for some of the videos to include in a presentation for work. And I was not prepared for what I found. In the midst of several student videos was a video produced two years ago for a television show. Half way through the video, I found myself watching Suzy talk about NASA and the program. For the last year I have found pictures of Suzy all over the place. We made a book for her children, so I spent hours pouring over pictures trying to find the right ones to save for her babies. I found a note in my desk she left me two summers ago. We found a card she had made us with her daughter's picture on it. This week, however, was the first time I had heard her voice in over a year. And it hit home that this was it. There won't be more videos of Suzy. We have what we have, and that's all we are going to get. The link to the video is here:

http://youtu.be/3d0aZEDpiAI

I think Suzy would be especially enthralled with the fact that the producers of this video labeled her as an engineer. In the midst of the tears watching this, the "Engineer" title made me giggle. It is SO Suzy! And what I love those most is that, even though she isn't with us anymore, this is a new memory for me, and for her friends. And she is still cracking us up. For some, I imagine this is a comforting thing to watch. I think for others it will be difficult. It's there for those of you who want to hear her voice again. I just wish there was more of it.

For me, dealing with Suzy's death was difficult for several reasons on several levels, most of which I am not going to go into on the internet. Those of you who know, know. Those who don't most likely never will. I will say that it took me longer to mourn her than I expected, and that I don't think I faced her death as head on as I could or should have. Death, I think, is not something you get over in a specified amount of time, or ever, really. But, over the last few weeks, I have realized something. Talking about her has gotten easier. Remembering the fun we all used to have has become somewhat less painful. It makes me smile to remember the crazy days at work we used to spend playing match maker, or the afternoons we spent drinking a few too many beers, or the evenings we spent with (sometimes drunk) astronauts in the Historic Mission Control. She used to just hand me Morgan when she would walk into the room, because she knew how much I loved her. We planned a trip to Colorado last spring when I was going for work. I wish we had followed through and taken that trip, even if she was seven months pregnant. These memories make me smile. She was such a cool girl. We had nothing but fun when we were together. And she was an unforgettable friend. I think, as I reflect on her today, that she would want all of us to love each other like she did. And to give out hugs like they are going out of style. And to just live, happy and healthy, as much as possible. And mostly, to remember her with smiles, not with tears. I won't ever forget Suzy, and I am going to keep remembering all of our fun for years to come. I miss her, but know she is somewhere, watching us all figure out life, and laughing as she enjoys the show.

AWESOME

A year ago, almost to the day, I went to my (awesome) doctor because I was so tired I could barely get out of bed, let alone function at a normal level. Thus started a several month journey back and forth to blood labs, specialists, pharmacies, and hospitals. 11 months later I had had 2 surgeries, 3 sleep studies, several sleep aides, a CPAP, 7 separate blood draws, and 3 cameras shoved down my throat. After canceling 3 vacations, not eating for several weeks, and not sleeping for several nights in a row, I was basically at my wits end. And then, suddenly I made some major changes and life improved drastically. I put my foot down a couple of times at work. I got rid of a boy who, in the end, was a huge ass (thanks friends who knew this MONTHS in advance). I spent some time with some amazing friends and their beautiful children. I started eating balanced meals and working out 3-4 times a week. I started taking obscene amounts of Vitamin D. And all of a sudden, my life is AWESOME. Again. I mean, it was awesome before, but apparently it just took a break. I have energy like nothing I have ever had before. I can get up at 6, workout, work all day, do something late into the evening, and repeat. I no longer have to spend all weekend sleeping just to get through the next week. I feel good. No, I feel great. And it is about time. 30 sucked, but not for the reasons I thought it might. 31 is going to be awesome, and I am so ready to get started. I have a lot to look forward to, and a lot going great in my life already these days (and no, I am not going to expand on that just yet...). It is about time.

So, thanks everyone, for bearing with me as I got through this last year. And now, as I am about to turn 31, I am pretty sure we have a year to catch up on. So, who is in for some fun trips and new adventures? C'mon people, I have energy to burn and places to go!

4 days with the minis. Or well, day 1 and then exhaustion.

Day 1: This morning was a little early for Aunt Debs. At 4:40, Jess rolled in and said something about getting me up earlier so I could sleep more. Whatever, she was clearly drunk/nuts. I mumbled something about downstairs and somehow pulled myself out of bed and down to her bedroom, where both she and Dusty were holding vigil over Brylee. Possibly looking for her pacifier amongst the blankets and chubs. Who knows. Anyway, a half hour later, the Cejkas departed for their snow skiing escape, and my duties officially started. By 7am, Brylee was sleeping soundly in her crib with pacifier #2, and Brooklyn was completely wrapped around my head, smacking me in the eye every few minutes. 7:45 and Brylee announced she was done with sleeping and ready for some action. Then she gave me the saddest I have ever heard come out of that little ball of cuteness. My heart melted because she sounded like she was just crushed that she had to wake up. It was like putting into a sound the way you feel every morning when your alarm goes off and you have to go to work. Life sucks! So, I put them both on the floor, turned on Einstein, and headed to the kitchen to get bottles. it was then that all hell broke lose, and Brooklyn gave me her first "don't ever leave me again, ever!" scream as I left her eyesight. And then they both proceeded to crawl after me. Cutest/loudest thing ever. I picked up Brooklyn and took her with me to get the bottles, then laid them both back down on the boppy, handed them a bottle, and watched them happily eat away. So freakin' glad they hold their own bottles now. I had just enough time for a diaper change before January (Jessica's nanny/neighbor) rolled in to take over. I showered, tried unsuccessfully to get a wave good bye from the minis, and headed to work.

Now get this. Today was the day that my dumb ass (sorry for the cussing, but you will understand how this is the only way to describe me in a second) decided to start working out again. Since there is no tumor, I am assuming I can let my heart rate increase again, so i left work after stuffing a ridiculous number of student bags, and headed to the gym. 45 minutes later, and covered with sweat, I was pretty thrilled with myself. And pretty hungry. So, while dreaming of roasted broccoli (and trying to decide if I really thought Jess had broccoli at her house) I drove back to my hangout for the whole weekend, the Cejka house. Once there, January informed me everyone was sleeping. Score! Yea, score for about 20 minutes. And then both babies were very suddenly awake, and not too happy about it. Brooklyn was super clingy and almost went back to sleep at one point. Brylee, on the other hand, was perfectly happy "working" on Aunt Debs' blackberry. This was fine as long as it stayed out of her mouth. We watched some news, chased Simba, and had all sort of fun tickling and walking across the room. That's right, they are both walking. Then we had some green beans for dinner (because I refuse to feed them Veg-All, Jessica, until all other foods have been eaten. And lots of cheerios. And some puffs, although, somehow Aunt Debs was only let with about 10 puffs in the can. I almost walked out right then and there. Until I found a back up can of veggie sticks and decided it wasn't quite the end of the world. Oh, and in case you are wondering, I ate a lunchable for dinner. Yep, I totally understand how single moms lose weight. They dont have time to eat. After dinner we played with Nana, who rolled in to help and brought me a fish sandwich from McDonalds (because it is Friday, she tells me...didn't have the heart to tell her I am not Catholic), as well as 2 cupcakes. Eventually bedtime rolled around, and we put on our footie pajamas and warmed up bottles. Everything was going smooth until Jeremy decided to visit his nieces. And then Nana took a cell phone call with a half asleep Brooklyn in her arms. Brylee went to bed like a champ (to be fair, she has lots of experience being put to sleep by Aunt Debs), but Brooklyn's head popped up after the cell phone was answered, and it was down hill after that. She eventually went to bed around 9:30, and I got into bed soon after. It was a long week and an even longer evening...

Day 2. Eh, who am I kidding. Day 2-4: Too exhausted to blog. Too exhausted to eat. Too exhausted to do much other than make sure the minis don't kill themselves or each other. How do single mom's function? If you want to hear about the rest of my weekend with the cutest twins around, just ask me. I am too tired to type it up.

Henry the Tissue Blob?

Yesterday was my third (and hopefully final) TEE (I am not looking up what it stands for again, I am sure you all know my now, or know how to google it, right?). Jessica and I started the day at 5:45am and were sitting in awesome traffic on 45 by 6:15. Needless to say, I did not arrive by 6:30 as the nurse had requested. Instead it was close on 7 before I rolled in to admitting. Luckily I either missed the rush or there never was one, because I was admitted and registered pretty much right away, and then whisked upstairs (via the purple elevators in St. Luke's...everything is color coded there) to the third floor where I was met with a sign leading to Cardiovascular out patient services (and Nuclear procedures, which we were hoping I was not having). Filled out more paperwork (more people in this town know my height and weight and allergies than I ever intended), and was very quickly taken back to the room where the procedure would be done. Elizabeth was my nurse, and older black woman who told me she had worked in ICU for years and then had been asked to do this job instead, which she liked more because usually no one died. Right. Awesome. Anyway, she rocked it out on my IV and did it in one shot, which is more than I can say for other recent IVs I have had, although there is now a strange series of 3 marks on my arm, and I am fairly certain there was only one needle. Oh well, still better than the blowout last May.

Anyway, so after the IV, things get a little blurry. The doctor I was supposed to have was on spring break, so her boss was coming in to do he procedure. Yadda yadda yadda, best in the world, yadda yadda, won't hurt a bit, yadda yadda, whatever. Why the heck was the original doctor on spring break? And why the heck did no one really know if she was coming in or not. Just seemed a little sketch, but whatever. Elizabeth had somewhere to be at nine, so she will going to have this procedure done by then, come hll or high water. Fine by me, no use in wasting time before I can eat breakfast. Ever since my appetite returned, breakfast has been a key meal in my happiness factor for the day. Anyway, so in rolls one of the other doctors. Maximum possible age: 17. And a second doctor peeks his head in to say hi to my first teenage doctor. He was most likely 12, and went to school with my doctor's younger brother. When the hell did I get old? And when the hell did I get to be old enough to have doctors with specialties who are younger than certain pairs of shoes I own??

Anyway, eventually they ran through the entire procedure and raved and raved about how bad the hurricane spray was going to be. The spray is not nearly as bad as the feeling of choking on something the side of a thumb, but whatever. Then the 17 year old sprayed me until I was numb and/or there was burning in my throat to make me numb. And then we waited. And waited, and waited. Dr. Steinbech was apparently going to take his time. Now, apparently I met this guy, and I thought he was old, but Jessica tells me he also was younger than either of us. Possibly I was pretty out of it by this time. I remember flipping over on my side and the tech wrapping the mouth guard around my neck and checking my BP. And then...well...

The next thing I remember is being wide eyed, looking at the screen, and the doctor looking at me and saying, (very calmly I might add) "Uh, she is wide awake. Go ahead and push some more drugs" And then I remember nothing until I tried to swallow and instead choked on the tube, and then I guess they decided they were done, and up came the whole thing. My throat was raw as all get up, but I was fairly certain they were done. Apparently Jessica and Jenny rolled back in about that time. I have no recollection of them being in there together, but then again, I don't recall much. Jess tells me they doctor gave me a full explanation and I fell asleep half way through it. I remember vaguely the screen shots he showed me. I then remember them sending Jess to get the car after the nurse hung my clothes on the back of the door (they were in my purse until that point) and we were both a little confused as to why she didn't just hand them to me. There was a wheelchair ride to the front of the hospital, but I do not remember the elevator ride downstairs (and where the heck was Jack while this was all going on?). Then Jess got lost and took her sweet time picking us up. Then we all got lost trying to find food.

Ended up at Katz's, a well known Jewish deli (see, you knew I had the jewish in me, right?) so we could eat. Jack sat in the back of the car on the way there and asked me if I was feeling ok. I think he might have been a little confused as to what was going on, but he was so sweet about it. Once at breakfast, I have a vague memory of eating an omelette and some potatoes and some of Jack chocolate chip pancakes. Then we chased down the Mmm Cupcake truck (more on this amazingness later) to buy us some cupcake desserts. And then. Well, then I remember nothing. I have a half memory of falling asleep in the car on the way home and trying to keep myself awake. And I got inside the house and sat on the couch. I woke up sitting up a little bit later and must have gotten into bed, because the next thing I remember is waking up at 5 and wondering where the hell I was. Oh, and I was so confused as to why I had 10 text messages, until I realized I had texted people earlier in the day (no idea how this happened). I then proceeded (according to my phone) to call several people and have legitimate conversations with them. No recollection, sorry Caitlin, Colleen, Travis and Mom, maybe we can try again now? Passed out again around 11 after watching TV that I now probably have to rewatch, and felt much better this morning.

Anyway, I am so glad this all seems to be coming to an end. The doctor told Jess (well, and me, but I don't remember) that he has done thousands of these tests (find this hard to believe as he is clearly 17 years old and can't have been a doctor for long enough for THOUSANDS of tests) and never seen anything like what he saw in my heart. Basically there are long stringy things, we think called chordae tendineae, that are normal. What is not normal in the the tissue in the middle of all of them that seems to be hanging out in the middle of my heart. But, while not normal, also not dangerous or something this (17 year old) doctor was worried about. I guess the final say comes from Dr. Fish, but I am not concerned, and just happy there isn't something foreign in my heart, hanging out trying to mess with me. I guess "Henry the tissue blob" will have to do for now.

I know I say it a lot, but I am really thankful to have had the friends I have with me through all of this. Jess and Jenny took great care of me yesterday, even though Jessica basically passes out at the sight of a needle, I told her it wasn't her day and the listened! They were a greta distraction from the reality of what I was doing, which is probably the biggest help possible. My favorite is when Jenny sends me pictures of homework she is grading that is so ridiculous it is funny! And of course, all of the loving texts, voicemails, facebook posts and emails, those mean so much to me. I am a lucky lucky girl, and not just because I don't actually have a heart tumor. Pretty sure I have the best friends and family in the world. I'd put money on it!

Brooklyn and Brylee Turn One

One year ago today I woke up to 5 missed calls and 7 texts, all asking me if I was with Jessica. I had no idea what had happened, all I knew was that I had hung out with her the afternoon before in the hospital while she was on bed rest. We had weeks to go before she was giving birth, and we had made plans for sleepovers at the hospital and set-ups for me with all the single doctors in the ward. Of course, my first thought was that something bad had happened. Then I got the top text, from Jess, that just said "babies are coming tonight." Holy moly. So, I fought the urge to call her, because, you know, she was a little busy, and instead, did what any normal person in 2011 would do: I checked Facebook. "Babies are coming tonight! Will update when they get here." Followed closely by "The Cejka twins arrived at 1am. 3lb8oz and 3lb5oz. Babies are in nicu. Mom is extremely sore, tired and hungry. Names will be announced later today. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers for the girls!" Somehow, between going to bed and waking up, two little girls had pushed their way into this world. And let me tell you, those girls stole my heart from day 1.

I went to work and pretended to do something until Jessica actually told me I could come up to the hospital. I think I ran three red lights on the way there. I found Jessica in her room, super out of it and fighting with the pain medicine button: she would push the button, the machine would beep at her telling her she couldn't have more meds yet, and she would shoot the machine a go to hell look. They brought Jess some food and promptly took it away when they realized she couldn't have solids yet. I thought she was going to go after the nurse who took the food away (and punch her), but she couldn't quite stand up. Dusty took me down to meet the girls, and we took some pictures of the little ones on their first day in this world. It was such a cool day to be able to meet these little girls, and to wonder what their lives had in store for them.

Over the last year, I have fallen in love with these girls over and over again. It just seems like they have always been there, and they make everything better. We visited them in the hospital quite a bit when they were first born. We held them tight and told them we loved them the day we lost Suzy. They came home on my 30th birthday and I sat in the corner of Jessica's bedroom holding a little one and watching my friends try to figure out how they were going to do this without the help of the nurses at the hospital. We rooted them on as they learned how to rollover, sit up, crawl, and even stand. We sat in an 8x8 square space we dubbed "the gated community" and played with them for hours. I fed them little tastes of things behind their mother's back (Brylee LOVED cream cheese at 4 months). We took them swimming and out to all sorts of crazy events (picture Jessica and I with a double stroller at the Epicurean night). Jess dressed them matching every single day and I made fun of her every single day. We walked them around the fountain 100s of times. We ALL spent hours and hours walking around both little girls trying to get them to sleep. We sang nursery rhymes (ok, I sang, Jessica only does the ABCs). I held them both on my lap (a feat in itself these days) and read the Smurf book. Over and over again. We searched for green pacifiers for Brylee and little white flower pacifiers for Brooklyn. We made it though the MAJOR spitting up phase (Brylee) and whiny phase (Brooklyn), and are now in the temper tantrum phase (Brylee) and the biting phase (uh, both apparently). I have been trying to teach them to wave and blow kisses for six months, and have been less than successful at both. Brylee loves to play with my Blackberry. Brooklyn loves to play with, well, anything that Brylee is playing with. Brooklyn is almost walking. Brylee is in the 99th percentile for (get this) her head size, so she is a little too top heavy to be walking yet. I think Brylee is pretty much the mini version of Maxine (the old woman in the cartoon strips). She grunts and growls and is generally a pissed off old woman. This pretty much sums it up:


Yea, I love them, can you tell? Where the heck did that last year go?

Most of all, though, I have just spent countless evenings sitting with these little ones and watching them giggle and play. They are so cute! The last month has been a little stressful, and these 2 have kept me grounded, kept me sane, and most of all, kept me smiling. Tonight I arrived, and both of them looked up from their toys and broke into grins. When I sat down, Brooklyn took six whole steps towards me before diving at me. Brylee came and sat on my lap and just babbled at me. I have a lot of friends with kids, but I have never been close enough geographically to watch them grow up like this, and to form this kind of relationship. As I tell them nightly, I will always take care of them, be there for them, and teach them all the things their parents don't want them to learn. That's what Aunt Debs is for, right?

So, today I am celebrating these two little angels and the awesome lives they have in front of them. They are so sweet, and they are going to break a lot of hearts when they grow up. I can't wait to see it all go down!

Fun Weekend!

This weekend reminded me how awesome my friends are. And also, in a weird way, how many awesome friends I have from so many facets of my life. It was just one of those weekends, the weather was gorgeous, I didn't have a ton of plans, but everything fell into place perfectly.

Friday night Sara and I decided we were both too young to sit on our couches on a Friday night (we have these moments often, and they usually lead to some fun outings). We started at Boon's, our favorite Friday night beer establishment (it is so Raleighs from college, only with astronauts). I have to admit, we have spent a few evenings there recently when we almost gave up because the parking was such a scene, but this time we both found spots and ended up in "our" table in the big fireplace. We solved the world's problems in a couple of hours, and then decided it was high time for some dessert. We started at BJs, but with a half hour wait, we soon moved on to House of Pies. My first time, but Sara is a veteran. One slice of strawberry rhubarb pie a la mode, and I was pretty much good to go forever. It was an awesome night or good conversation, lots of laughter, and a few life problems solved. And it was topped off by an awesome phone call from Colleen to tell me she was getting married! Woohoo!

Saturday morning I got up and drove up to IAH to pick up Raven, who had an 8 hour stopover in Houston before flying to Ecuador. Some people have such problems! Anyway, I haven't seen Raven since a long night in a pool hall in December 2004. Thats 7 years ago, and so much has changed...but then, not that much has really changed at all. We spent several hours playing catch up and just laughing over how it was, how it is, and how it will always be. Raven and I were so close in college, I mean, we basically lived together my sophomore year, in an apartment the size of a shoebox. And even though we haven't been too in touch over the last few years, we still fell right back into old times, like we had seen each other last week. We laughed and told stories, and talked about the good, the bad, and the ugly until he had to get back to make his flight (which, Raven, I hope you made, because you know I am much more of an early arriver than you are).

After that I made the 3 hour drive to the lake house, with the company of Veronica. We again solved the problems of the world (yea, you are welcome world).

Once at the lake house, we did some justice to some fajitas and then a 10lb cake that Kathy had brought, and sort of just vegged on the couch for the rest of the night. Brooklyn passed out at 7, Brylee by 9, and Jess and I were both in bed by 10. Apparently we are super fun on Saturday nights!

This morning was awesome! We spent the morning on the back deck, overlooking the lake (well, in theory, although the lake is super low currently, so you can't see much), drinking Diet Coke (ok, yes, coffee would have also worked, but DC just sounded good), PJ pants rolled up, and sun shining on my very white legs. I can say with some assurance that this year, I am getting my tan back. Last year was a little rough, but this year, it is on! And this morning, it started. We watched the babies roll themselves back and forth along the deck, and then held them on the railing and let them watch the deer. They were fascinated! Brylee especially loved just watching the deer. That little girl has literally just stolen my heart. I mean, they both have, but Brylee has such facial expressions, and you can just watch her concentrate so hard on something, and take it all in. I can't wait to watch her grow up and see what she and her little sister come up with to cause trouble and grow their parents' gray hair!

We eventually did get showered and dressed and loaded up into the truck. I started in the front seat with Jess, and the babies were asleep in the back seat. Strangely, this is just how the Ike evacuation started...we really havent come all that far, have we? Anyway, this didnt last long before Brooklyn announced that she was awake with some crying. And there went Aunt Debs, face first, into the back seat. Luckily Jessica is a pretty good driver, and did not swerve off the road while I climbed over the seat to hang out with the babies. There was some whining, and Brooklyn and I had words over her throwing of the toys, but eventually we pulled out the ipad and set the animal flashcards up, and then threw a bottle (uh, or 3) into the mix, and things were good. That is, until the other mini woke up from her marathon 2 hour nap, and clearly was confused as to why her bottle was mostly water (after her sister ate her formula filled bottle), and why Aunt Debs wasn't giving her the ipad. Now, when Brylee gets mad, she totally grumbles. Loudly. Like low growly voice, and some yelling. It is hilarious, and cute as heck, but you know when we laugh at her, she just gets more upset. So, anyway, this started the meltdown. I was passing out puffs at an alarming rate, but only Brooklyn was interested. We tried some Chicken Noodle (pureed, and one of the grossest smells in the world), but the minis were not having it. This was about the time Jessica says "hmm, do you smell something?" Aunt Debs went in for the check-in, but found nothing other than 2 screaming babies who were not happy about being sniffed and asked "did you poop?" Yea, I am classy like that. Anyway, eventually, after a lot of screaming and toy throwing, we stopped for a diaper change and a quick walk around a parking lot. And then back we piled in to continue...it was a long 3 hours, but we all made it home in one piece, and even all fell asleep as we pulled off the freeway (the babies, not me and Jess).

I spent the weekend with friends from so many different parts of my life. I love that I have friends from college, or high school, or even earlier that show up in my life and it is like nothing has changed. Raven and I laughed about people and times I haven't thought about in years. It really made me smile. And it really made me realize how much you forget about life as things go on. There were entire situations in college I had forgotten about completely. And I love that my friends from high school, who I have talked about and planned our wedding for years, call me right after their families to tell me they are getting married! And then my friends in Houston, the ones that sit next to me when I am crying, or make me laugh when I am having a bad day, or celebrate my successes as they happen, they are awesome! I couldn't have asked for better people to share my life with, past or present.

All in all, it was an awesome weekend. I love this weather, the blue skies and cool air reminds me so much of Newbury Park and all it perfect weather (wish it wasn't so damn expensive to live in Cali these day, and that there was a NASA center closer to NP). It just puts me in a good mood. The windows are open in my house, the cats are sleeping on the deck, and I am happy. And damn it, that hasn't been the case for an entire weekend in a few weeks, so I'll take it. Back to work tomorrow, and this will begin some serious chaos because CAS is officially less than 3 weeks away, and I have pretty much no clue what the heck is going on, so it should be an interesting setup. Exciting eh? Yea, good thing I am comfy flying by the seat of my pants, because I tend to do it often.

Just as a warning, I have somehow signed up to babysit the minis for 4 nights (and the weekend in the middle of these nights) in 2 weeks. Anyone want to come hang out with this sucker? Woohoo!!

I have a big heart

Holy freaking crap. What I am about to type sort of blows my mind. I am not convinced I have totally let this sink in. In fact, I know I haven't. But, it is what it is. So, I don't have a heart tumor.

Yea.

Exactly.

The doctor called me on Monday. I went totally numb as soon as I answered the phone, mostly out of practice from doing this so often. Then he tells me he has looked at the MRI report and that the mass is in fact a "prominence of a normal structure" (in normal words, a piece of my heart that is just larger than normal). What he was/is concerned with is the "discrepancy of the assessment of size" (see, Mom, I can take notes when I am told to do so). So, basically, either my first cardiologist was an idiot and measuring it incorrectly, or something in my heart got bigger and smaller very quickly. I sat on this for a day before I told most people. I wasn't sure what to take from this, or how to tell all of my friends who have supported and loved me through the last nine months (and especially the last month). The doctor seemed unsure about the original TEEs and wanted to relook at them before deciding about further testing. I was hoping he would call me on Tuesday, but he didn't, and I felt like I had to start telling people. Of course, people were ecstatic, but to be honest, i am still numb. I am not sure if it hasn't hit me, but I just have no emotion about it. Or perhaps I have very mixed emotions. I am obviously happy they don't have to open my chest up and go into my heart. I am happy I don't have to recover in pain for 8-10 weeks (although that time off work was rather enticing). I am, however, bummed that this all happened at the time it did, ruining the opportunity to be in Albuquerque for six months and try out a new adventure. And most of all, I am angry that a doctor made a call that was most likely not correct, and then a second call which was even less correct, and sent me into an emotional tail spin that lasted a month and was filled with frustrated tears and night sweats, not eating or sleeping regularly, and the fear of a very serious surgery and the recovery of it.

So, did you catch the "most likely not correct" in the previous paragraph? The doctor called again today. I love Dr. Fish because he is always so calm and speaks so clearly (except for his phone number, which he reads off at light speed every time). He told me that he had reviewed closely the two previous TEEs and his conclusions were that they had not been done completely. As in, there were images that he would need that he didnt have. Then he tells me is about 80% sure I dont have a tumor. 80% Dr Fish? Yesterday there was no percentage...so why is there one today? And isn't the MRI the better image? Well, he tells me there are angles you can only get from the stomach looking up into the right atrium. So he wants the "experts" at St. Luke's to run a third TEE and get all the images he needs to be sure, before he decides if surgery is necessary. I also though surgery was off the table, Dr. Fish? Yea, most likely, but not guaranteed. I like Dr. Fish, but he in my most favorite of doctors today.

It was a nice 2 days of not being stressed. Within 10 minutes of taking this phone call, my head was hurting and the pain between my shoulder blades was back. That is clearly where I carry stress. So, now we wait, until March 14, for the next TEE. Anyone want to come with me? I am super fun when they drug me up, I say all sort of great things, tell my darkest secrets, and you can ask me anything. Just ask Becky, she was telling me a story I had told her the other day, after the last TEE, and I have zero recollection of ever telling her anything.

And, since this is my blog and I can bitch and moan about whatever i want, let me just say, TEEs suck, and after the first one I swore I would never do it again, and now I am on #3 and it SUCKS! I am so over the IVs, the sore throats from the cameras, and the 6am hospital check-ins. There better be a super hot tech working up at St. Luke's (ok, so now who wants to go???)!

Oh, and just so you all can laugh a bit, you should have seen me almost eat it on the way out of the big AD All Hands meeting this afternoon when the doctor called. I threw off the sandals I was wearing (because I knew i couldn't run in the them) and leapt over about 10 coworkers to get out of the auditorium. And, of course, as I am always super graceful, I almost face planted into one of these said coworkers after catching my foot on my pants. I knew those pants were too big! It was quite the scene.

Check out the pics from the MRI. I have no idea what you are looking at, but they are cool anyway!

Silence

“Saying nothing...sometimes says the most.”
-Emily Dickinson


Tonight, as I sat in the darkness of Jessica's bedroom, rocking little Brylee to sleep after her last bottle, I started to think about how quiet it was. Jess was across the room, sitting on her bed, trying to get Brooklyn to sleep, and Brooklyn was fighting it. Brylee fights it less, she tries, but eventually there is a just a big sigh and she gives in and passes out. Anyway, as we both tried to get these little ones to fall asleep, we talked a little bit, in very hushed voices. But mostly, we just sat there, in the quiet, watching the TV on volume level 1. And it totally made me giggle. See, Jessica and I have spent a lot of time in silence. As I sat there and thought about all the times we have spent in required silence, I almost laughed out loud (which would have been bad, because by then, Brylee was dead weight in my arms) .

So, it all started back when we evacuated for Hurricane Ike (which, by the way, is probably the funniest blog entry I have ever written). We spent three hours in literal silence with 3 cats sleeping peacefully. Every time we would talk, even quietly, one of the cats would make a noise as if to say "uh, shut up, I'm sleeping." Damn cats. By the time we made it to the lake house, I had sat in the back seat of her truck, knees in my chin, next to two furrballs, and not said a word. We made it in time to watch the morning news. Which we watched in silence (mostly because we were both half asleep).

Then there were the many, many, many meetings at work in which we sat across from each other, in the small office, with Katherine between us, and we just talked with our eyes. All three of us. We always knew when the others were pissed (and man were we pissed a lot), and it took no talking to know that someone in the room was mentally updating their resume or thinking of all the places they would rather be. We used to joke that we would keep our keys in our pockets when we went into meeting we thought would piss us off, so that if we wanted to leave suddenly, we didn't have to dig for our purses and keys, they were already on us. Those meetings haven't stopped, although the players have definitely changed. But those initial days, in that little office, in silence, we all talked using our eyes. Our bosses have all told us we don't hide our emotions well. Do you think they know we aren't even slightly trying to hide our emotions?

More recently, we have spent many a drive home from a restaurant or other public place with either 2 screaming babies or 2 sleeping babies. Either way, we drive in silence. Because, if these babies are screaming, we can't hear each other anyway, and if they are sleeping, neither of us wants to be the one to wake them up. Trust me, if 2 twin babies somehow both fall asleep at the same time, you NEVER want to be the one to wake them up.

Now, don't get me wrong. Usually, when Jess and I hang out, we talk like it is going out of style. We talk about work, about life, about whatever we did that day, or about whoever is bugging us, annoying us, or interesting to us. We make plans for ridiculous trips, we bitch about situations that aggravate us, or we predict which baby will be the cheerleader, and which one will get caught underage drinking (I predict Brooklyn for the former, Brylee for the latter, in case anyone is wondering). Like any women, we talk and talk and talk. But sometimes, we don't need to talk. We just know.

Two Fridays ago, Jessica sat in silence next to me while I took the call from the doctor to tell me my tumor had grown. She didn't say anything. I don't think she knew what to say. I certainly didn't know what to say. She sat in silence while I called the next doctor to make my appointment. And when she went with me to the appointment, she sat in silence in the doctor's office, taking notes as instructed (well, until they kicked her out, but that's another story).

Silence is something that can be super powerful. It can be overwhelming or completely necessary. It can be empowering or depressing. Recently I haven't wanted to be alone. I have needed people around me, or people to talk to, or something to do. But it's funny, I can still sit in total silence with my friends. Just knowing they are there, even if it is across the room, is incredibly helpful. I think Emily Dickinson was right, saying nothing sometimes does say the most. It's just being there, without saying a damn thing, that makes it all better. Plus, that silence does make for some damn good stories!

So live like you're never living twice...

It's been a long 2 weeks. I have worked through a lot of emotions, expectations, and confusion recently. The last 12 days have been the craziest roller coaster ride of my entire life, and I am hyper aware that this roller coaster is far from over (those of you who know me well probably also know how much I HATE roller coasters, both figuratively and literally). I have spent a lot of time with my Houston friends (thank you all for keeping me busy) and on the phone with my non-local friends. I have gotten some major things done at work (including selecting 92 students into my program, which always makes me feel accomplished and reminds me why I love my job). And I have organized my life as much as possible, so I don't have a lot of crap to take care of if and when I have to have surgery.

I find that I can be fine one minute, and in tears the next. This happens mostly in 2 scenarios: I am either in the car driving, and something strikes me wrong and my eyes well up, or I am on my couch and my mind begins to wander. The other time I lose it is when I am tired and I look at myself in the mirror. Like really look. Right into my eyes. That is when I have to talk to myself, and tell myself to keep it together. Usually I can hold it together, but if I am alone, in my house, I don't have a shot in hell. (And yes, I talk to myself. What...you don't?)

I have been up until 1am most nights, watching TV or writing. Why 1am? Because that is about the time I am too exhausted to function, and can finally get into bed and just pass out, without thinking too much. I am up at 8 every morning, and starting to wonder how I am functioning on 7 hours of sleep every night, after needing 9-10 hours for most of the last year. I guess the balance of thyroid meds, no sleep apnea, and vitamin D has finally made me feel better, and I am back to not needing a ridiculous amount of sleep to even half function. I have been going pretty much non stop every day to get things done. Literally, I have done more this week than most of last year. I had a leak fixed in my front yard last Thursday. While the plumber was there, I trimmed my lemon tree, went through the junk basket on my kitchen counter, and cleaned the dining room up. I locked myself in to a good electricity rate for the next year. I switched out my Comcast service to make it cheaper. I changed the air conditioning filters (ok, fine, 1 of them, I still have to buy the other one). I finally got all the recycling out of my garage. I have gone through most of my closet and throw away all the clothes that are officially too big for me. I have cleaned out my car (yea, and now it is messy again, but it was clean for about a day). Anyway, you people don't need a list of things, but the idea is, I am keeping myself busy and getting my life organized. However, there is only so many things I can do to distract myself. I guess shopping is the next thing to turn to...this could get expensive.

In the midst of this week though, during all the crap and all the overwhelming stress, there have been some incredibly bright moments. I got some great CD mixes from Sara and Cara (oh look, you rhyme!). I have gotten more emails from people all over the place wishing me the best. I spent an awesome Sunday night at the beach house with Jess, Becky and Dawn, where we laughed more than I have laughed in months (and there is a blog in the works about this hilarious night). The minis are about to be walking, and I have been having so much fun cheering with them when they take a step. They are so proud of themselves when we cheer, and they just grin. Those smiles are priceless. I have been making small plans for thing in the next few weeks, because as we move forward, I feel like I need something to look forward in the near future, and plus, I know this surgery is at least 2 weeks away, so I have a little bit of planning time. We are working on a group for the rodeo one night, and maybe a trip to Austin for SXSW. Ok, so this might not be a small trip, but I have a bunch of friends who will be there this year, so I am thinking it might be time for the road trip. It's hard keeping some semblance of normality right now, but these things help me so much. Also, what helps is when people bring me cupcakes and clean my house. Just in case you are wondering. BUT, if you are coming to clean, you can't judge me on how dirty it is right now. Yea, mom, don't judge, I am just building it up so you can feel extra productive when you arrive and clean. You are welcome.

Lastly (is that really a word?), as I was driving home on Tuesday night, after dropping off Jessica and picking up McDonald's (sans gallbladder, this will always be a bad choice) because I was too exhausted to cook, I heard a song come on to the radio. I have heard this song thousands of times and can sing most of the lyrics, but have never stopped to think about them. And this song hit me hard and fast. And so, as I drove home, bawling my eyes out, mostly from frustration and pure exhaustion, I thought about life, and living it, and not looking back, and just enjoying it. Someone said to me today "life is too short to hate your job, you just have to find what makes you happy." She is right, but not just about work. Life is too short to be unhappy, or to have regrets, or to skip opportunities. You have to take the challenges, learn and grow from them, and keep pushing forward. And so, here you go, the lyrics to the song.

If Today Was Your Last Day (Nickelback)

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

St. Luke's Update

Spent my first full day down in the medical center today. I don't have in me a long post, but wanted to get the main points down so I don't leave everyone hanging. Met Dr. Fish for the first time, he and his staff were nothing but nice, and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel rushed in a doctor's office. He say, he listened, and he made sense of all of my other symptoms and diagnoses. He told me he hadn't seen my images yet, since my first cardiologist's office sort of sucks and sent them to me (via mail, which I have not gotten yet) instead of to Dr. Fish's office. He said he wanted to confirm that the tumor was in fact a benign myxoma and not some other type of growth or tumor. So, he sent me off to schedule a heart MRI. 2 hours later, and a few phone calls to the insurance to get the procedure approved, we left the doctor's office at noon, and had 3 hours to kill before the 3pm appointment.

So, what do 2 hungry girls in downtown do with 3 hours to spare?

Find the MMM Cupcake truck. Duh.

And then went to The Cheesecake Factory (yes, 20 minutes away).

So, after a small break and some much needed food, we headed back to St. Luke's for the MRI. Got there at 2:15, went back at 4:45. Good thing there was an ipad to keep me busy. I take back all the bad things I have said about Angry Birds. When you need a distraction, those little green pigs are awesome! Finally, at 4:45 I was taken back and give an IV, gown, and fancy socks. I will expand on this later because it includes a great conversation about sex in space and a missed vein during the IV starting. Yea, I'm a pin cushion. Anyway, so the MRI itself was interesting, but more than anything else, LONG. I think I was in the machine at least 80 minutes, but probably more like 90-100 minutes. I did some breathing in and out for them, held my breath, and stayed as still as possible.

The doctors should be getting back to me in the next couple of days with some more information. I am working on getting the TEE videos up to the cardiologist so he has all the information he needs to make some decisions. I am also working on keeping it together and taking care of myself. Jessica was with me all day, and while I didn't think she needed to be initially, I would not have made it through today without her. I am lucky to have such an amazing best friend. She kept me busy, cracked me up, and bitched about work at the right times. And she took awesome notes, which I will include in tomorrow's blog, when I have more energy and am not completely drained.

Thanks for all the support and love today, I am sorry if I didn't text you back or answer the phone, I am not up for a whole lot of talking tonight. I'll be back to my old self soon though, I promise!

I'm only being nice to you because you have a heart tumor

Well, I am starting to have less faith in my current cardiologist's office. Good thing I am moving on to the big time downtown. Today the Clear Lake office called to tell me that there was a miscommunication with the future doctor's office, and I in fact was not going to be having an Angiogram on Friday, but rather having a consultation first with my new doctor, and that wouldn't be until next Tuesday. So, while I am happy to not have a catheter wire shoved up my leg right now, I sort of feel like we are just prolonging the inevitable. If you can save your prayers for a little longer, I would be much appreciative.

Also, talked to my good friend Dan at Cigna Healthcare today. He reassured me I have already burned through my $1250 HRA account, and am halfway through my deductible. He also reassured me that I am very soon going to have free healthcare for the rest of the year. He was impressed at how quickly I had done this in 2012. I'm pretty much amazing.

Had dinner tonight with Eve. A year ago today, Eve found out that she had a brain tumor. 2 weeks later she went into a 12 hour surgery to have it removed. She had some good insight for me, despite the fact that I think a brain tumor is about 100 times more scary than a heart tumor. We talked about the frustration, the anger, the sadness and the general feeling of being overwhelmed. About the support that comes out of the woodwork, and about the sudden emotional craziness that your life becomes. Eve knew what to say and what not to say (I know you are all trying, and doing a great job, but it's different when someone can be blatant about it). She reminded me how much this will (and already has) teach me about life, relationships, and happiness. I'm an educator, so I always look for the lesson and what I can learn. And this is one big lesson.

Last weekend on the phone, a certain boy who will remain nameless (because, uh, I think he would kill me for telling this story) told me he was only being nice to me because I had a heart tumor. He was obviously being obnoxious, but I thought it was great, because he was real, and he made me laugh, and he wasn't treating me like I was some breakable fragile object. I mean, clearly I am not exactly breakable in general. I appreciate more than I can express the love and support that has been sent via text, email, facebook and cards (and please don't stop, because the written stuff is good to go back to when I am feeling down), but the people that know me know I don't deal well with pity, and I like to laugh and be happy. And being real with me is the best thing for me right now. You might find me being a little bit more "real" than normal in response (mom, you may or may not have gotten the brunt of my realness earlier this week), but you all know I have a little bit of bitch in me, so it should come as not surprise that it comes out every once in a while. Overall, though, I still would rather hear about the latest gossip regarding the setup of your friend/brother/cousin/coworker with your other friend/coworker/cousin (ok, don't be setting up your cousins...), the stupid thing your boss said to you today/yesterday/just now (or all of the above if you are some of us), or the vacation we are going to plan to Chile/Hawaii/Europe/Maine once this is all over.

Lastly (yea, this was going to be a short post), if you feel like you would like to do something fun for me and you, I am in the midst of requesting fun mixed CD's. Music has been a big thing in my life (the next post will expand on this), and certain music has helped me get through parts of my day recently. So, if you have some favorite songs (that are not sappy love songs or really ridiculous rap) throw them on a CD, give it a creative name, and shoot it my way. I am currently rocking a CD full of TV theme songs and fun 2003 and before sing a long songs. Something more updated would be great. Please note, I grew up on Neil Diamond, The Beacb Boys, and show tunes, so all are especially welcome. Have at it!

Sara sent this to me tonight:


This is the crap that gets me through my days.

Guardian Angels

In my life, I have been fairly lucky to not have known too many people who have passed away. Both of my grandmothers are still alive, and I never knew either of my blood grandfathers. My step grandfather on my mother's side is also still alive, and all three of these grandparents are still very much alive and well.

When I was younger, I thought that there was a life plan to be followed. That you went to college, graduated, worked, fell in love, married, had children, and grew old together. There wasn't ever discussion of the other challenges that would delay this path, or disrupt it completely. No one mentioned difficulty finding a job you loved, or even finding a job at all. The man of your dreams was just going to show up one day and sweep you off your feet. Where he was coming from, that was never an issue. As a teenager, I was naive to thoughts of divorce, infertility, or even death.

I do remember the first person who I ever knew who died. I was in eighth grade. Over the summer, several of us had spent a week doing a peer counseling training. We were trained to be able to work with other students at the school to help resolve situations without having to involve the adults. The woman in charge was pregnant. She was boisterous and connected with all of us (hard to do when most of us were seventh grade girls in the height of hormones and puberty). When we returned to school the following fall, we had our first counseling meeting. It was there that they told us she had passed away during child birth. I don't remember them telling us speficially. What I remember was that evening. I spent the entire night curled up on my bed, with a strange feeling stiring in my head and heart. I was so upset. My grandparents were all still alive (three still are), and I had never experienced death before. This was a new emotion to me, and I didn't like. I am sure my mother thought she was done for that night, because I wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat, wouldn't come out of my room. I just wanted to be left alone. I am not even sure I ever told her what happened that day at school. When you are in eighth grade, any number of things can cause this reaction, so luckily, she probably wasn't too worried.

Over the years, I have experience death only a handful of times since then. In high school, a brother of one of my friends was killed after rappelling from a power lines tower, and catching one of the lines. The entire community mourned him, and I still think of those days as some of the hardest of high school. My best friend's grandfather died before we went to college. We cried together in the upstairs bedroom of a ski lodge, and then again at the funeral. I was crying more for her than for him. He had led a good life, but death will always be the hardest on the people who are left behind. My grandfather died when I was in college. I had met him once, when I was an infant, but it still hurt to know I would never know that part of my life, my family history. It was a different kind of loss, and I mourned for my father and his pain. A close friend from high school died several years ago. I didn't attend her funeral, but it helped me to be able to talk about the fond memories we had when we were in school together. She had struggled in life so much between high school and her death, and I really believe that she is in a better place.

In 2004, Chris passed away. He was killed in Iraq. I will never forget the night I found out. I was sitting on the couch in Manzanita, our apartment at camp. There were 6 or 7 other instructors eating dinner with me, and I had a voicemail. When I heard Joy's voice on the message, I knew something was wrong. I knew instantly it was Chris. That night I took 15 5th graders on a night hike. We hiked and hiked and hiked and I sat in the dark with them, watched the stars, and thought about death. I had seen Chris only months before, and now he was gone. Chris' funeral was packed, there were people from his entire life in one room, celebrating this amazing man. I sat in that church completely humbled with how many people one man can touch, and how he gave his life for the rights that so many of us take for granted. I think about Chris and his family every March. And I know he is somewhere, drinking a beer and laughing like he always did.

Only 3 months later, I woke up one morning found myself sitting at breakfast when our director came out to tell us that one of our grounds staff had passed away over night. We were all shocked. Moose was such a gentle guy, with a wicked sense of humor, and he had been at camp for years. He had been at a party the evening before and had walked past me, tickled my foot (which was up on the edge of a couch after a knew injury had put me on crutches a few days before), and given me a wink. Three hours later, he laid down in bed and had a heart attack. His death shook us all, and made it hard to go on and teach that week. He reminded us all that we were a family, and that when someone passes away, you have to lean on each other and come together to help each other through it.

And then last year, there was Suzy. Suzy's death, like the woman from my middle school days, was hardest perhaps because it was so sudden and unexpected. When someone passes away from sickness or old age, there is a certain semblance of relief. There is also often some warning. When I was told Suzy had passed away, I was numb. I think Jessica had to repeat herself four times. And even then, my brain wouldn't let me understand that she was talking about Suzy. Our friend Suzy. The happy go lucky woman who had given birth three days prior. We were in a room at work next to the main ballroom. I still can't go into that room without getting upset. I just stared at Jessica for awhile, and clung to her as she cried. She had known for several hours, and had come to work to tell me. It was 8:15am, and I was 15 minutes away from addressing a room full of college students and starting a 2 day program for them. That talk never happened. I stood in the middle of the room for a little while with Jessica and we just hung on to each other. The tears didn't arrive immediately, but I am more more apt to cry when someone else is crying, i think out of pure emotion for that person, so once the tears arrived, they flowed freely. Suzy's funeral, much like Chris', was packed. The overflow room was to capacity. Pictures of her smiling face ran on an overhead, as part of a slideshow. We sat, an entire row of her coworkers and friends, and cried for the world's loss. It has almost been a year since Suzy passed away, and I still miss her and think about her. Every single day. I think about what she would say to me now (and oh would she have a TON to say to me these days), and how she would make me laugh, and tell me not to worry about anything. She was always happy, and always smiling. Sometimes, when I am sad, I try to channel her positivity.

After losing special people in your life, you do start to think about your beliefs of souls, heaven, and angels. I am not religious, per se, but I definitely have spiritual beliefs. And when you go through something like what I am facing, you begin to have to lean on these beliefs more and more. And so, I find a lot of solace in the ideas that the people that I have lost in my life, or even the people who died before I was born, are out there, somewhere, watching over me, taking care of me, and carrying me when I can't carry myself. These are my guardian angels. And recently, when I get into bed at night, these are the people I think about. And the people whose memories calm me down. And who make me feel safe. And for that, and that alone, I am thankful to have had the opportunity to know these amazing people, to have shared time with them in my life, and to hold them in my heart (oh the irony of that statement) as I make it through this challenge in my life.