Short update

For those of you keeping track, and so I can avoid having to repeat this information 778 times, went to the doctor's yesterday. The tumor has grown from 1.5cm last May to 2.6cm last week. My right atrium has also begun to dilate, apparently to make room for the blood to flow through my heart around the tumor. I guess an inch mass in the middle of your atrium creates a need for the heart to expand to be able to pump the blood through my heart at the same rate.

I am headed to St. Luke's at 7am on Friday morning for the Angiogram, and then hopefully we will know a bit more. Parents arrive Thursday night and are here until Sunday, unless something comes up on Friday that requires them to stay. I will be sedated most of Friday, but hopefully am coming home Friday night or sometime Saturday. I'll have my phone, and might be funny if you call me and I answer while drugged. Feel free to try it!

Thank you for all the emails, phone calls, thoughts, and prayers. I am working on getting back to everyone, but I am a little overwhelmed, and hitting the point where I am just trying to make it to Friday. If you actually want to talk to me, your best bet is Facebook around midnight, when I can't sleep and am just trying to distract myself. Someone asked me at work yesterday how I could possibly focus. I told him I couldn't. But, work is a good distraction, and I am lucky to be able to surround myself with my amazing friends in Houston, who keep me busy and check on me often. And of course, these two are the best distraction of all:

Love you all!

The one about the tumor growing...

Those of you who know me well, or have talked to me recently, know I am big into quotes these days. If I am sad, or lonely, or inspired, or really feeling any emotion at an extreme, I like to look at quotes about said emotion. This can lead to some awesomely ridiculous Facebook statuses, or to me finding a quote that just is exactly right for the occasion. Tonight, I have found some quotes that seem particularly fitting for the day (and week) I have had:

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire

The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. ~C.C. Scott

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell. ~Lance Armstrong


I know this blog is usually somewhat upbeat, and people like to tell me that I should write books, or at least write comedy. I also know that some of my recent posts from 2011 haven't been the most upbeat. This one will probably be along the same lines.

My cardiologist called me today. That's right, 2 days after my TEE, and I had this voicemail on my phone, direct from Dr. T. So, being the good patient that I am, I called him back. And after being put on hold a few times and getting transferred to the nurse, my stomach pretty much dropped out of my stomach. The tumor has grown. Significantly. No idea what this really means, since I was too shocked to ask the right questions (or any questions at all). They had made me an appointment. For next Friday. At St. Luke's. With a new doctor, Dr. Fish. For an Angiogram. As far as I can tell, the angiogram will help to show the doctors the flow of blood in my heart, and specifically the flow of blood to the tumor. The nurse who I spoke with about the procedure explained in pretty good detail, but started talking about balloons and stints, neither of which I think really are what they will do to me, since they will eventually want the tumor out, not just pushed to one side. I guess we will talk options after the angiograms. Never really thought I would be talking about options at age thirty. At least options for me.

So, after I finished taking notes on the back of my CVS receipt about things such as to make sure I packed an overnight bag for the hospital, and to fast after midnight (I am a pro at this by now), I hung up, and just stared at Jessica, who was sitting next to me in my car, and I don't think knew what to say to me. At that moment, the cupcake truck rolled up for the cupcake fundraiser we were about to have, and I had little choice but to plaster on a smile and greet my friends for the next 45 minutes as we sold a ridiculous amount of cupcakes to raise money for our Avon walk. Probably this was the best thing that could have happened, because it is incredibly powerful to have so many close friends of yours show up to support you in something so meaningful to begin with. People came, bought cupcakes, gave hugs, and visited briefly before going their separate ways for the weekend. It really was cool to see everyone, and gave me the distraction I needed at that point.

After we sold out of cupcakes in record time (ok, no idea if it was really record time, but I'm going with it), we headed in to hang out at Bullritos and wait for stragglers, and then grabbed dinner with Jenny and the boy next door at the sandwich place (Caitlin, I know this is your favorite, and I totally thought of you!). I made it through dinner and into the car before I called my mom and discussed this with her. I made it through that conversation and half way to Veronica's before I lost it. I have cried in my car before, it is actually the best place to cry because there is music, good climate control, and really tinted windows. I am super ugly when I cry (trust me, I checked today), so it is better to be in a tinted environment. I also (and this is something that only my close friends ever knew about me) have this chicken pox scar under my left eye that turns red when I cry, and stays red long after the tears are gone. It's kind of my thing, and I have known about it since high school. Weird, but true. (Dont you feel like you know me so much better now?) Anyway, so I cried, pulled it together, and rolled over the Veronica's, where we proceeded to talk life for 2 hours. That was just what I needed. Sorry to all of you who I texted and them promptly ignored, but I needed to talk to someone, and Veronica was pretty much the perfect choice.

Eventually I drove home, and cried some more. It is weird though, I was not really crying about the tumor, or even the fear of what the tumor could end up doing or being. I mean, I think that might have been some of it, but really, I think I was upset about the impact this is about to have on my life. Hmm, sounds selfish as I write it. I guess I don't mean it quite like that. But, then again, it is my tumor, and so I guess I can be a little selfish. So, I am supposed to move to NM. In like 2 weeks. Somehow I feel like this just got derailed. I am not positive, but the timing is just horrendous. And those of you who know me well know I am pretty laid back, but like to have control over my own life. I couldn't care less what you do in your life, but in mine, I like control. And planning. And knowing. And all of a sudden, that is all out of the window. And I just realized I didn't want to deal with it. I cried in the shower for a few minutes. I'm not a huge crier, mostly because I usually get to the point (really quickly) where I can't figure out what crying is going to help. However, I am big believer in the release of tension through crying, and how important this is. So, I'm in the shower, crying and snotty and gross (crying with a cold sucks), and I look down at my legs, and all I can think is "damn, I am going to have to shave my entire leg for this procedure. Damn. That sucks!" And somehow, as I sort of giggled to myself, I realized I was ok, and was going to be ok. If you can still be annoyed with having to shave your legs, things just can't be all that bad.

I have been super positive (or mostly at least) since last March. And I have faced some hideous tests in life (even as I write this, though, I can't help but think how other people in my life has faced things that are so much worse than any of my problems...). And this might be the ones that cracks me. I am trying to be positive, but I am just done. I just want it out. I want my life back, and I want to not have to deal with the surprises life likes to throw at me anymore. Just for a few months. Just something easy for a while. So, we will see. I guess what they say, about whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger (which I have always unconditionally believed), really is true. And this will just be the next test. I hope I am strong enough to get through it. And if I am not, at least I have some awesome people to lean on and let take care of me. And for that, I am so thankful. So thanks for getting me through this (in advance), thanks for making me laugh, bringing me ice cream, and cleaning my house for me (hey, a girl can try, right?). I'm working on being positive about this, and laughing through life as I have done for 30 years, so we will see how it all goes...Good Lord, what a crazy ride!

TEE #2

So today was my second TEE. The first one way last May, you can read about that here. Anyway, so after having a TEE already, I was more aware of what to expect. This might be a good thing, might be a bad thing. It might have helped if I hadn't gotten super sick the day before, and had to stay at home in bed ALL day log sleeping to get rid of the horrendous sore throat. It seems since the tonsils are gone, anytime I get a sore throat, it just burns and burns, and hurts oftentimes more than it did when I had the tonsils. Still glad I got rid of them, but man, these sore throats sucks. Anyway, enough of that tangent. So, I was somewhat nervous about the procedure starting last night. I dont get nervous about the tumor (aka Henry) too often, mostly because I dont have symptoms that would lead me to believe anything was going terribly wrong in my heart. But last night I got nervous. I guess it was a 2 parter. First, the procedure itself is pretty miserable. I mean, they give you good drugs, and you don't remember (or are not supposed to remember) the actual camera in the throat, but it still sucks. I was also nervous for what they might find. I mean, symptoms or otherwise, it is never a good feeling to have something weird just hanging out in your heart. I have a lot I want to accomplish this year, and while I will obviously do whatever is needed to deal with this tumor, taking 3 months off to have open heart surgery and recover is not high on the list if accomplishments for this year. Plus, Congress (aka my 7 bosses) will never approve my vacation if I am out for 3 months removing Henry. And I want to go on vacation this year!

So, I rolled into the hospital at 6:15 this morning. It was just me, the security guard, and the EMT groups that were apparently meeting for breakfast in the lobby. Admitting wasn't open yet, so I hung out. At 6:40, when admitting still wasn't open yet, I started to get annoyed. Who tells someone to be there between 6 and 6:30 if your admitting isn't even going to be open at that point?? Luckily, I was too tired (and woozy from sleeping all day the day before) to bring out "Bitchy Deb" and the lady behind the counter did eventually open the doors at 6:45. After having a short argument with her about how I did not owe her $1800 worth of a deductible because I have the world's best insurance, I agreed to pay it and deal with my insurance later. Good thing I had brought my trusty SWA Visa with me, that's basically a free flight worth of money spent in 10 seconds. After I shelled out more than a paycheck for this procedure, the lady behind the counter personally escorted me to the second flood. They weighed me (fasting all morning seemed to have a positive affect on this), showed me to my "room" (aka, curtained off area), and gave me a fancy gown to put on. I was lookin' pretty stylish in my pajama pants and blue and green hospital gown. Good thing I wasn't trying to impress anyone.

My nurse for the morning was Laurie. She had the personality of a brick. Luckily, however, she also had some skills, so this time there was no blownout IV bruise to deal with for the next month. She drew blood and got me all set up, all before 8:30am. This was going much more smoothly than the last time. At some point, Bill rolled in. Now Bill was my nurse who would be with me during the procedure. Bill was clearly in his 50s and liked to be everyone's friend (even Laurie's, who was really not interested). Bill came in, hugged me because he said I looked like I needed it, and then proceeded to ask me 100 questions for his part of the survey. I swear I should have a printout. He then went nextdoor to tell the other guy having a TEE how it was going to go. At some point I hear "Deborah, are you listening? It would really save us all time if I don't have to go over this again..." Really Bill?

So, around 9am, I get rolled back to the procedure room, which is really just through a door to another curtained off hallway. Clear Lake is clearly all about using space to the best potential. There, Bill continued to be my best friend, after he asked me if I might be pregnant (since the bloodwork was slow), and I told him there wasn't a chance in hell, and he laughed and laughed and then asked me if I thought it was possible there could have been an immaculate conception and that I was that blessed. I told him to alert the media if that was the case, and that I would need an agent and book deal ASAP. Anyway, once he stopped laughing, he then was my new best friend, despite being slightly creepy. He told me he wold give me extra drugs since last time I woke up in the middle of the procedure. Then he proceeded to yell across the room at me from the other guy's bed who was also having a TEE. It was basically a three ring circus.

So, eventually Dr. K rolled in to shove a camera down my throat. Luckily, there is more room now, being that I am sans tonsils. They rolled me onto my left side, sprayed my throat with some awesome numbing spray, and went to town. I still have no recollection of the camera going in, but I certainly remember it being down my throat, and choking on it. A LOT. And I remember gagging on it as it came out. Someone was holding my hand, and someone else was holding my head still, despite my best efforts to jerk it back away from the probe. I remember trying to look at the screen and not being able to, which just pissed me off. I should really get to see my own heart, but there was a pillow in the way. I guess this is good, since otherwise my head would have been on the metal guard rail of the bed. Anyway, I tried to relax and let them go to town, but it wasn't quite as smooth as the last time (although, in my defense, I am fairly certain I didn't throw up, and I am pretty sure last time I did, since I woke up in a new gown). Apparently it was a short procedure, like under 10 minutes, and then we were done. I asked the doctor right away how it looked. I don't remember much of his answer other than "good" and that the tumor was still there, and he would need to compare it to past tests, but it appeared to be possibly slight bigger, but he wasn't worried. I figure the fact that he didn't book me into an operating room right then and there says something.

Now, post TEE is the best feeling in the world. You just lay there, all drugged up and out of it, and have no worries, no responsibilities, and no where to be. I sucked on some ice chips (ok, Bill fed me ice chips...I think we are married in some countries now), and listened the other guy have his TEE (his did not go well, as he tried to talk in the middle apparently...not a good idea!). Eventually they rolled me back to the original room where I was able to watch TV and sleep on and off for a while. They actually had to put me back on Oxygen (I just remembered this, I was THAT out of it), because my blood oxygen kept dropping when I would fall asleep. I think I was just that exhausted that I kept forgetting to take deep breaths. I was THAT relaxed. They made me walk around, gave me some water and jello, and went over the 7000 page discharge packet. The new nurse felt the need to read EVERY SINGLE line. I was ready to murder her by page 2.

Eventually she let me roll downstairs and packed me into Becky's awaiting car. I have the best friends in the whole world (let me remind you Becky was the one that picked me up after my gallbladder surgery, which was when I puked fluorescent green into a bag in her car, and yet she still came back)! Becky took me to lunch where I was excited to sort of have an appetite after fasting that morning and not really eating the day before due to a sore throat. I kept down some soup and half a sandwich, and Becky dropped me off at home. I walked inside, sat down on the couch, and opened my computer to email my cousin, who had sent me an email to check in. I woke up a half hour later, still sitting on the couch, computer open, and a half written email on the screen. I moved to my bed and sat up the pillows to finish the email. Woke up two hours later with the same email still on the screen, STILL sitting up. I was seriously drugged and woozy. I don't remember most of last night, other than eating a little bit of french toast (my new favorite dinner), and perhaps making a phone call or two. I understand now why they don't let you drive.

Anyway, so, I am glad the day is behind me. The second time was harder than the first because I knew how miserable it was going to be. The first time I was convinced it would be easy. I was sore today, I think from fighting the probe and having the nurses have to hold my head in place for a while, my neck and shoulders are just pissed. Deep down in my throat, probably my esophagus, is sore when I swallow food, so I am sticking to somewhat soft foods. I am awaiting the results, and not letting the wait get to me. I figure the doctor will call me if it is serious, and I will call the doctor when I haven't heard from him. I don't have any symptoms, no chest pain, no shortness of breath, and I can still keep up a good workout, so I am sure I am fine for the time being. I think it is just important to have a good attitude and enjoy life for what it is. I mean, right? Look at the world around us and how many people have so much worse going on in their lives. I am lucky, I have damn good insurance (I guess we will see how good when they get my reimbursement request from yesterday), good family and friends, and a ton of people who support and love me. I get to go on a great adventure this year and further explore the outdoors and the middle of this country. I will be so much closer (airplane-wise) to so many people in my life, so I will hopefully be making some visits and enjoying some great time with all of you! I know it's a little cliche, but this kind of thing just makes me want to take more advantage of my opportunities and make the best of what this world has to offer. Life is too short to sit around and wait for something to happen, so prepare your foldout couches, cuz here I come!!

Lifetime Movies and Cupcakes!

So this week is SEEC (The Space Educators Exploration Conference). This is my 5th SEEC, and by far the one I am least involved in, which is actually kind of nice. It is the first year I haven't presented (well, ok, last year I didn't present, but I was supposed to until we had a snow day, when it didn't snow and the sun was out by 11am). It is actually kind of nice just to show up for the tours, or the booth, and not have to worry about using actual brain power.

Speaking of brain power, I am finally back to almost 100% brain function. I mean, not that my brain wasn't functioning, but ever since March 2011, i have felt like real focus and thinking required a little too much energy. Now I am able to focus again, and face things head on. We went to Vegas last weekend and I was able to gamble without getting overwhelmed after like an hour (not that I am a huge gambler, but it goes downhill very quickly when I am too tired to focus). Vegas was awesome because it was just a few close friends and we barely left the hotel. Kiyomi met Jessica, Lori, and I at the Golden Nugget and we ate some buffet food for lunch before gambling all afternoon and walking around a bit, and then hitting the beds by 9:30 (no judging, that is 11:30 Houston time, and we had worked all week). Saturday was much of the same, and we made great friends with the dealers by the pool. I finally got my appetite back at some point on this trip, so we ate some great seafood and had amazing dessert on Saturday, and then met up with Erin and Aaron for a little while before Kiyomi and I wimped out and went to bed, again before midnight. Jessica wasn't far behind. We are, apparently, old.

The big move to New Mexico is still on the books, but still nothing is officially official. Apparently some guy way up the chain at the Air Force has to sign something. Government agencies are all the same, people like to sit on things and not sign them for as long as freakin' possible. I mean, seriously people!?! So, I am continuing to prepare for LJ to come and take over my job for 6 months, and hopefully it actually happens so I can get out of Houston, and out of the office, before I lose is completely, quit my job, and move to Australia (don't think I haven't already checked tickets).

I looked up today how to submit a movie idea to Lifetime. I mean, c'mon, I may as well make some money out of that which is my life. I thought this was particularly funny: http://blurtblog.net/2010/04/21/how-to-write-a-movie-for-lifetime-tv/ I don't have all these requirements, but I still think Lifetime would be interested. Apparently I need an agent, anyone interested in representing me? A successful past in representing rich writers and a relationship with Lifetime would both be helpful things for you to have. I have the screenplay basically written on my desktop, entitle "Journal, 2011." I mean, obviously I would need a new title. We have some options at work, but I am totally taking suggestions.

Jessica and I are walking in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Don't worry, you will all get hit up for donations, so start saving now. We decided to walk it in New York, so we can see a cool city while walking 40 miles. Plus, I will have a gazillion hotel points after living in a hotel for 6 months, so we will be having a damn good time in a fancy hotel in New York City during this trip. I made Jessica promise she would train for this. Even though she appears to be thin and healthy, that girl does not exercise. I am thinking about fundraising by having side bets about how many actually days she walks between now and October. Anyone interested? We are doing fundraisers to raise money for the donation we have to make ($1800), and next Friday we are selling cupcakes from her cousin's cupcake truck. If you are local, come on out to Bullritos and buy a cupcake from us! If you are not local, just send a check and I'll eat a cupcake for you!

Pictures of Henry!

Two weeks from today I head back to the Heart Branch of Clear Lake Hospital for another TEE (acronym for a long word that means shoving a camera down my throat to take a picture of my heart). That's right, it's picture time for Henry. I was supposed to go in May, but seeing as I won't be living in Clear Lake in May, we have moved it up to February. I guess this means I will be hitting my out of pocket max on my insurance pretty early this year. I am not a fan of this photo business, because I have a horrible gag reflex, and the procedure is not fun to begin with. At least I am partially sedated, which is good for me, and great for my friends who pick me up and enjoy messing with me.

I am starting the (long) process of figuring out the move to New Mexico. It is hard because since I haven't signed anything and the paperwork is still in legal, they can't do anything about it officially. But, I am working on who will be living in the house, who will be taking my job, who will be feeding the cats (who have not been invited for the 15 hour road trip and subsequent 6 months stay in a hotel room). It is an exciting time in my life, and I can't wait to get started and take on this challenge. I am hopeful this leads to some awesome things, both professionally and personally.

In other news:
Oliver came home today. He has been missing a week and we all thought he had been taken by the coyotes on the mountain. Turns out, it seems like he just got stuck somewhere. Clearly with no food, since he is lighter apparently (and this cat was HEAVY, so you can tell). As always, "eat something" Oliver!

I am now feeding my cats three times in the evening to keep them from waking me up at 6am. That said, it makes me wonder if the reason I am feeling so rested has more to do with them not bothering me, and less to do with the $170K tonsillectomy I had in November.

I love my family so much. Especially the girls in my generation. This week I have had great conversations with both my sister and cousin, and I just love that we can talk and we are on the same page, and understand the same things, be it about the family or about life in general. This is sort of a new development, and I am just so happy they are in my life. I just wish we were all so far away from each other.

This weekend is Vegas. I am so ready to get away, and CANNOT wait to see Kiyomi and spend a lot of time eating and sleeping. I am totally ok with room service and staying in bed all day watching TV if that is what happens. Don't judge, it's MY vacation. Luckily, I am oretty sure someone will make me leave the room to at least gamble a bit. And that usually leads to a lot of gin and tonics and then a drunken dinner somewhere. Yea, we know how to do Vegas!

I am really into quotes recently. I spend more time than I should looking up quotes for the way I am feeling. I know, ridiculous, but sometimes the right quote can really put your feelings into the right description,. My favorite so far is from Office Space:

"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

I want to put this on Facebook, but then people will get all sappy and ask me what is wrong. And nothing is wrong, I just think this is such a great line, and totally feel that way sometimes when I am dragging through work.

The minis are standing now, and love to hold onto the bed and do laps back and forth. And they LOVE their Aunt Debs most of the time, unless they have just woken up and their mom is in eyesight, then I am screwed. I love them to pieces, and their little smiles still melt my heart. I am still working on them waving, but they are close, and sometimes do it unprompted, although none of us are convinced they have a mental idea of what they are actually doing.

I need some book suggestions, since I am planning on doing some serious reading and working out over the next 6 months. Any ideas?

Bring it, 2012!

Happy 2012 everyone! We are 3 weeks in, and already this year is showing vast improvements from last year, although we still seem to be riding one hell of a roller coaster. Le't see if I can get this all onto the computer before I forget what I wanted to say...

2011 was horrendous for me. If you read this blog, you know I went through a lot. And I am not usually the person to complain about my life, or about the stuff going on, but at some point, it all just became too much. Being where I am now, I can look back at the last 10 months of my life and realize how bad it got. I remember in April not sleeping for 3 straight days. 3 freakin' days...that'll make you look like a cracked out zombie REAL fast. I know now that was my body reacting to stress. I went through a bunch of weeks where I had no desire to eat. I pretty much kept the Kroger bakery in business single handedly by only being able to eat their banana bread during these weeks. I pretty much gained and lost the same 8lbs at least 6 times last summer. It is amazing what not sleeping well can do to you, and how quickly. What I didn't realize was, how other parts of my life were stressing me out as well. I knew work was stressing me out. It had been for a while, but it got really bad last spring, as I was being pulled in about 40 different directions by my 8 different managers. I love working for NASA, and I love what I get to do with my students, but sometimes, even that is not enough. So, work was stressful, and not particularly rewarding early last year. And then there was my personal life. Turns out, I was more stressed than I realized. I don't think I realized until this week just how much I was carrying around with me. So here goes, my blog, I can say what I want. Mom, if you are reading this, I don't want to talk about it.

Let me preface this by saying what I am about to write about has been a huge secret in my life for the past 8 months. I am not ready to put it out there 100%, but it is time for me put some of it out in the universe. So, I am going to try and write it down and be clear, but I recognize it might come out a little bit sparse and confusing. Deal with it people, I don't get paid to write, so it is what it is. You're lucky I edit at all.

I started dating someone in May of last year. And is was complicated from day 1. It wasn't something I pursued, it just happened. We got along, we were both going through some pretty bad things in our lives, and I think we were just able to support each other. He was going through more than me, and when we first started dating, I knew I was setting myself up. I knew he wasn't ready to be dating anyone, that he hadn't gotten through all of the emotions he needed to deal with. But, in the end, it doesn't matter what my analytical head told me, we connected. We had a lot of fun, laughing and telling stories, and generally enjoying each other's company. But it was a secret. I knew he wasn't ready to be seen dating anyone, that it would hurt too many people around us, several of them being mutual friends we had. I struggled with telling anyone I did, and with the reactions people would have if they ever found out about us dating. There were tears (and those who know me know I am so not a cryer). I don't like secrets. I don't like keeping them when they are about me. And this was one difficult secret to hold inside. I am a pretty open book, and not being able to share a piece of my life was hard on me. Slowly I told some of my close friends, and some not so close friends who would never be involved. It became more natural for us to spend time together as the year went on. But it still never felt 100% right. I always knew in the back of my head that he wasn't ready to make any commitments, or even be dealing with the world of dating. It's amazing how much you can ignore when you want to. Anyway, I finally realized that I wasn't putting myself in a good position, nor was I putting him in a good position, by continuing to date him knowing how much had yet to be dealt with. And while it wasn't an easy choice, I had to finally walk away. And once this relationship ended, I could feel how much stress it had been causing me. Don't get me wrong, we were close and got each other through some hard times. I was stressed, but he was not the root of the stress, it was the situation. Probably those of you who know understand what I am trying to say, and those who don't think I am now nuts. But, I can now say, with a certain amount of certainty, that I spent 8 months being stressed out by my health, my work, and a dating situation that couldn't have really been more complicated. What have I learned? A ton. A ton about myself, about learning to follow my intuition, and my super analytical brain, and about life. Also, don't tell me your secrets, people, I don't even deal well with my own, so I certainly don't want yours.

So, that's a little bit of a view into some of the stressors in my life since last March. There were others, we all know there are always stressors, and it's just having the ability to deal with them. Perhaps if I had been getting real sleep, the other stressors wouldn't have seemed so bad. I guess I will never know. What I do know, however, is how at peace I feel now. My sleep apnea is officially done (the tonsillectomy seems to have done the trick), and I am slowly relearning how much sleep my body needs in order to function (a year ago I would have said 4-6 hours, now I think it is more like 8-9. Maybe I am just catching up from the last 8 months?). I have lost almost 50lbs since this time last year, and the weight loss continues to occur (ask my friends, I apparently never regained much of an appetite after not eating for 2 weeks in December). I threw away 8 pairs of jeans today, all too big. I know this is good news, but man, jeans are expensive. I now fit into the smallest pair of jeans I own, so if this goes on for much longer, I will go broke. I know, I know, people wish for these kinds of problems.

Ok, so if you are still reading, I am finally making it to the big news, the actual reason I started today's blog, and the thing that is most exciting in my life right now. No, I am not pregnant (but thank you to all of you who have asked me that each time I tell you I have big news). I am moving. That's right, I am leaving Houston. Not permanently (yet), but it is somewhat long term. I am going on a rotation (so, I go and do a separate job for my company, and when I come back, I get my old job back) to New Mexico for six months. I will be working at the Air Force Research Lab (AFRL) running an internship program for them this spring and summer. It is a big project for the company I work for, and the company president apparently has his eye on it. I am excited for the chance to grow in this company, and to prove myself and my abilities. It is also no secret that my job wares on my quite often, and I am taking this as a chance to see if the grass is really greener on the other side. I am always looking for work, but most of the time, the opportunities out there aren't enough to make me leave NASA, because I am always worried I will regret it. I think this will give me a chance to see if I would want to work elsewhere. Plus, I am so excited to skip a summer in Houston, and to instead be in the high dessert, where humidity doesn't really exist unless a thunderstorm is rolling through. Bring on the dry heat! I leave mid February, and will be there through August. Come visit me, and help me explore this new part of the country. Now that my stress level has diminished significantly, I am ready to start back up with my adventures and my exploration. It has been a while, and the hiatus is officially over!

Top 10 highlights of 2011

This year as I have come home for Christmas, everyone has commented on how hard of a year I have had, and how glad they are to see me upright and healthy. I realized this might have something to do with the blog and Facebook whining I do a little too often. In the spirit of the holidays, and because I really think this year sucked, but could have always been worse, I wanted to make sure I remembered the great things that also happened this year. So, here is my top 10 list of 2011:

10. Being at NASA during the historic end of these shuttle launch, including being onsite at 3am when the last shuttle landed, and being in mission control during its last mission.
9. Trip back to Berkeley at the beginning of the year to visit all my Bay Area friends (and also so we could eat our way through the north half of the state).
8. Successfully pulled off NCAS at JPL and MSFC this year.
7. Three days of road trip fun with Caitlin, driving from Phoenix to Houston, and then having a super fun roomie for a few months while she worked with me at NASA.
6. Eve facing and beating the development and removal of a brain tumor.
5.Trip to Vancouver, my first time in Canada, all on the company dime.
4. Saw an amazing shuttle launch in May, and spent a couple of days resting and recovering in sunny Florida.
3. Had the "best night ever" in Gulfport with Kat and Jess and a lot of gambling/dancing/drinking (please note, the best night ever was followed closely by NOT the best morning/6 hour drive ever).
2. My mom overcoming skin cancer and my dad pushing back against prostate cancer.
1. Brooklyn, Brylee, Bear, Liam, Andrew, Naia, Molly, and Sofia. Need I really say more? I'm one lucky aunt.

See, 2011 wasn't all bad. I just hope in 2012 my top ten list is of bad things instead of good things =)